Friday, April 01, 2011

I don't know how to get along with my 9 year old daughter

Each morning or each night before I go to sleep, I tell myself, tomorrow is another day/today is a new day. I shall try my best today but I fail miserably each day. :(

My daughter has many positive qualities. She is really a very good, honest and obedient girl and she is very hardworking and diligent. She is also very smart and inquisitive.

However, she is an insecure child. She is also a very anxious person and she is not very independant. She expects me to do everything for her. She makes me repeat my sentences over and over and over again because she is afraid that I did not hear her correctly. Not only that, I have to repeat the exact words she says. Not any other word but the exact words she used. If she asks me a question (which is often since she is an intelligent and inquisitive child) she will ask it over and over again until she gets the answer which she feels is satisfactory to her.

This makes me very tired and impatient. As a result, she has learned to become impatient and rude sounding like me when I am exasperated and frustrated with her behaviour. She is also very stubborn. Once, she stood in front of the door for 40 minutes because she said it was better than doing studies. She will not say sorry and will utter some things under her breath instead. She is also learning to be very rude which I cannot tolerate.

She is turning into a tween. However, not only that because I have had this problem with her for a few years now. She wants to do things her way but at the same time she wants to make sure that I check them for her because she is so unsure of herself. At school, she will run to me again and again to make sure she gets things right. When she is talking to me, she has to talk to me immediately right there and then even if I am busy with other things. She requires so much attention.

She also loves to dilly dally which drives me even more impatient thinking about all the things that need to be done with so little time.

I have tried talking to her nicely and explaining to her, I have tried scolding her. Nothing seems to work.

Sometimes I can't help comparing her with her 7 year old brother. He is so much easier to look after. He is independant, remorseful when he is wrong and he does not require so much attention. He is sweet natured and caring.

Everyday I feel so exasperated. I tell myself tomorrow I will handle this differently. I will be more patient. I will stop to listen to her. I will teach her to be independant. etc etc etc. but right from the moment she wakes up till bedtime, she drives me up the wall with her behaviour. Sigh.

However, I cannot give up even though it looks and feels so hopeless now. Everyday I feel so frustrated but then I am the mother she is the daughter. I am the adult, she is the child and she is an insecure and anxious child. I just feel helpless and I don't have the skills to handle her. I want to help her to become independant and confident but I am not doing a good job so far. I also want to teach her to be more patient and respectful to others.

I need to give this more thought and have more strategies on how to handle her. Now this problem looks too big to handle. I should probably list down each part one by one and handle them each in parts so it won't feel so overwhelming and impossible. Yes, I think that is what I will do.

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  1. First thing first, i would like to say a big "thank you" for the wishes you gave to my lovely wife.

    Now,about the mother and child issue,you know sometimes it is good to let go for a while and let hugs,kisses and loads of love take precedence.

    I have myself of this problem with my teen growing Jovial too,so when i tried to let go, instead of yelling,scolding, giving him lecture, i tried to see him as just a boy growing up to be a teen, i give a lot of hugs and love, now he knows ,,,,,,,,, we are so good

    take care now god bless

  2. I totally empathise with you. My daughter is also in Year 3 but not turned 9 yet. Everything you've described about your girl is exactly the same as mine, except for the insecurity part and mine is not diligent, prefers to leave homework and studies till the very last minute. Mine is just the opposite, over confident. She does not make me repeat back to her what she said. Instead it's the other way around - I have to repeat and nag, nag, nag to make sure she has heard my requests/instructions because she totally shuts me out once she is engrossed in something. Everything you go through with her, I also experience with mine, dilly dally, have to do things for her, have to answer her questions many times until she thinks it's the answer she's satisfied with, stubborn, refuse to say sorry, rude, talk/argue back...sigh, my patience is tested everyday, I turn angry, frustrated, shout, scold and later feel bad. Pray? Meditate? Yoga? I'm only living day by day lah....All mothers with similar predicament need a group hug!

    1. Ok I know I am a year late but I couldn't agree more that we need a group hug!!! My daughter is also in 3rd grade and 9 and.... I've been crying for a week!! I don't know what to do. She sounds a lot like your daughter and the daughter of the lady who originally wrote the post. I have to believe that this must be an age thing.... at least that's my hope. I hope you have both started having an easier time. If you found something that worked please let me in on the secret.

    2. Shayla, My daughter is 10 now. I read the Five Love Languages of Children book and am trying to implement some of the recommended changes to see if it works. Takes a lot effort and energy out of me though.

  3. Eugene,
    I try but sometimes hugs does not work with her still I will keep on trying.

    Huggy. Huggy. Group Hug. Mine hasn't turned 9 yet either.

  4. Our kids are not perfect and we mums are not either.. what we do is to go through day by day.. loving and talking with them in the best tone that we can gather.. :)

  5. LOL, it seems we are share the same problem here... hvg emotionally unstable child! Be it Anna's or you, lol... my girl are more or less the same, so just have to hold our breath and... OUummmmmmmmmm!

  6. Sounds just like my almost 9-year-old. There are days where I feel like such a failure for not having a better mother/daughter relationship. She drives me nuts! I am pregnant with 3rd and was so hoping for a girl (have a gorgeous boy as well) in the hope I may have a positive mother/daughter relationship. It's a boy and I feel now even more hopeless about my relationship with my daughter.

  7. my daughter is 10 years old 11 in november.she has been though quite a bit,saw me go throught a violent relationship with her father and when he left he turned to drugs.I have tried my best to protect her and know that she isnt that effected. I have a boyfriend who has been living with us for some time and they both find it hard to get along and since he has been about she gives me more of a hard time than ever.when she goes to bed she says goodnight love you see you in the morning and i say it back but she says it 50 times or more and when i tell her to stop she keeps on untill i reply almost like a controll thing.she is very rude to my boyfriend snatches,awnsers back calls him names. he is just so fed up with her at times that he stays out after work and cmes home when he knows she is in bed.i just dont know what to do, i try not to take sides but i end up just going upstairs and having a cry.i have told them to ignore each other but never lasts...we dont do much together as it always ends in


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