Monday, May 30, 2011

Communicating Negative Feelings

I am not very good at communicating negative feelings. Most of the time I will just blurt them out, as in the case of "Why don't you just go and play badminton with your friends then!" You see, I was not very happy that hubby had even suggested the idea that he was thinking of going for a game with his friends on our 10th wedding anniversary. Now, we do not normally celebrate our wedding anniversaries and I am perfectly ok with it but surely the 10th milestone is something worthy celebrating? I thought to myself.

So, when we became unhappy with each other over another small matter, ie. the children's test and our handling of it, I blurted my first unhappiness out even though they were unrelated. Haha. And I know that hubby being the kind of person that he is will not let me off that easily. For him, words are set in stone, and once uttered, you must live up to it. So I sealed my fate  evening that day. :)

Another thing, I often cannot wait to discuss things. I MUST discuss it there and then, on the spot but of course that is exactly something that one should not do. Quite often, when I do that, wow! words of dagger shoot out non-stop and hurtful words are uttered. It is really quite unnecessary for very often, the very next day, we would have cooled off and we can always discuss it more calmly another time. Really! It is just as they say in relationship books. :)

Oh yes and one more thing. I broke my rule of never writing negative things on my blog. My blog is supposed to be my positive place, a place to help me think positively. However, I thought, that since I can't talk RIGHT THERE AND THEN to hubby, I might as well talk RIGHT THERE AND THEN on my blog or else I'd burst! and see if it helps. The only way it helped is, I saw that when you are in a negative frame of mind, everything appears more negative then it seems!

I learned quite a lot this weekend. So, what did we do for our 10th wedding anniversary? Better record it down before I get old and grey and forgets. My father has dementia and I think I may too because I take "brain medicine" and I have a very strange forgetful mind. It is quite scary really.

In the morning, we fetched the kids to school together. Still somewhat unhappy with each other, we did not wish each other "Happy Anniversary" just like two silly, pouty kids. I thought that I should not spoil our day, so after we came home, I went to wear the dress that I wore on our wedding registration day. It still fit but it looked tighter. Haha. I took our wedding registration photo then went to show hubby. "Look dear, am I fatter? Its the same dress you know?" That broke the ice and he said "Happy Wedding Anniversary to us." Hehe.

Then we went to buy tickets for our movie date (with the kids). The girl at the ticket counter asked him whether he was 50 to enjoy a senior discount. "Do I look that old?" he asked the girl and then she looked at me and said "What about you ma'am?" Ouch!!!! Nevermind, we went hand in hand to book a place for our lunch date. (well it didn't feel strangely distant, just familiar and still electrifying. Hehe) I told him that he looked like old man trying to go out with girlfriend but then if anyone looked at the "girlfriend" they would know that she is the wife because she looked old too. Oh, he also suggested that we go and buy a shawl for me because he said the sweater that I was wearing over my wedding registration dress to keep me warm for our movie date, did not go with my dress. And so we did. We went to buy a pink shawl, soft and flowing and hardly keeps me warm but pretty. I like! :)

Then we went to sit in the sun for more than an hour to wait for the kids to come out. When they did, we made them change in the car. Then daddy asked the boy to go to his bag to get something out. It was a neckless and chocolates for mummy! (Oh! And I thought romance was dead.....) but then he did qualify it and said that the gifts were to last for the next 10 years. And the next day when we celebrated the girl's birthday, he said that these celebrations are nice but so tiring. I should have told him that that is what life is all about and it is nice if you have something and can in fact celebrate something or more! I just thought of that. :)

So we completed our celebrations with tim sum lunch and a 3-D movie with the kids. And then he went to play badminton with his friends and by the time he came home I was fast asleep with the kids. And the next day we had another full day, celebrating with the girl, letting her play computer games and eat whatever she wanted. Daddy bought her a remote control helicopter so we took her to the park to try it out in the evening.

Ooh how nice..... but then after two days, we were back at it again, being mad at each other. Haha. He wanted me to think of a way to turn the kids playroom into an exercise room because they needed more physical exercises to sweat it out especially the girl. He said going to the park all the time isn't always feasible because of the weather and safety reasons. So he wanted to turn the room into a gym room sort of. I said it wasn't possible because the room is so small and he got mad.

"You never support me in anything. You are always saying no before you even try. I don't want our kids to learn from you. As usual, I have to work and still think of all these things." Naturally that upset me. "Yes, I would certainly like to see you think of something if you can!" Oh but I was so riled. I was thinking about how I can never meet up to his expectations no matter how I try. I do so many things but they never get recognised. I just hear the "You never support me" and "I have to work and still think about all these things for us." all the time. Makes me feel as though I am doing nothing worthwile. I wanted to say more things RIGHT THERE AND THEN but then he went inside the bedroom and locked the door and I remembered that I was supposed to shut my big gap so I went to sleep instead. Haha.

RIGHT THERE AND THEN is never a good time to communicate negative feelings. That is what I learned after being married for 10 years.....

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Romance is dead....

Romance is dead (well even if not dead, it is sickly) after 10 years of marriage. I don't cook anything special he likes for him on any special day except maybe Chinese New Year. Hey! I cook everyday don't I? So what can be so special about cooking for him? It is just like any other day now. Worse still, I don't have time to cook now! I have a helper who helps me. Yes, I am at fault too for the death of romance.

Not terribly romantic to begin with, his favourite phrase is "she knew what he was like before she married him, so why is she complaining now?" Ok. I get the hint dear. I no longer have any expectations for without expectations there won't be any disappointments and anything above that is a bonus. Yes, my threshold for romance has been lowered to the floor.

I used to like to write for him or to him but he deletes my writings so I have lost my urge to do so. No, I Love Yous either. Only 3 little words but so hard to say. I've also lost the urge to say so now for a long time because it is like a one way street when you don't get a "I Love You too!" in return.

Even holding hands feel strange now, strangely distant. Oh and too many hurtful things have been said over the  years like "Why did you marry me when...." "Why don't we just get a divorce then" or most lately "I feel sorry for us. We are so different." The I feel sorry for us part sounds sadly as though we are merely stuck together. Do you not realise that these words hurt very much?

Oh well, romance is dead but the marriage is still alive. The laughter is still there, that is the most important. We still laugh and we do talk about other things other than the kids. Be careful if you don't talk about anything else anymore, other than about the kids. Then not only romance but the marriage will be dead too. Fortunately, only romance is dead in this household.

So, what grand plans do we have for our 10th wedding anniversary? Well, the man has taken leave from work (wow! so romantic) but wait a minute, it is also the last day of school. :) So we'll probably go pick the kids up together, surprise them with some fast food lunch and take them for a movie. We're wondering whether to bring the maid along..... Romance? What's that?

And in the evening he'll go play badminton with his mates and I will go to bed early with the kids. And he says he wants to buy me a new fridge as a present, belatedly, so that I'll find more space to put in all those fruits and vegetables that he wants me to juice for him. And what have I got for him? Why, nothing, as usual....Yes, romance is dead.....

Oh don't mind me. I'm just ranting. Most of the time, I feel happily married even though I may rant at times but sometimes I have the strange suspicions that he does not feel that way especially when he says "You claim that you are happy but how can you be happy when you are complaining all the time. Am I complaining all the time? I don't think so. This is the first mildly negative post I have written in all my 7 years of posting. Hurtful words. "I'm sorry for us...." I can't get that out of my head. :(

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Thursday, May 12, 2011

Dear Teacher

My girl has been very busy making Teacher's Day cards for her teachers. She showed me her completed card for her class teacher. It had a very long message indeed! It said... (some meaning may have been lost in my lousy translation as she wrote it in Chinese)

Dear Teacher,

Thank you for your guidance. I am very happy because you are very caring towards me. You always enquire about my health. I love you, teacher. I will always remember you.

I know you will ask yourself. How does she know my full name? Ok. I will tell you.

One day, when you asked me to go to the office to pay school book fees, I saw your name on a board. I told my friend. My mummy's last name is the same as teacher's.

I hope you have a happy life. I love you, teacher.

I just want to tell you, I also wrote the same to my std 1 and std 2 teachers.

Teacher A - Std 1
Teacher B - Std 2
Teacher C - Std 3

I also love them because they used to praise me, but you are too fierce, you never praise us. No lah! Just kidding. However, I remember you did praise me once as I was honest. It was during a minor test. You said we must make no more than 2 mistakes. I made 3 mistakes, you marked 2 mistakenly and I told you to change my marks.

Thank you, teacher.

She stuck all her favourite stickers on the card and drew a flower bouquet within a heart on the front. Inside, she drew a self portrait and a Happy Teacher's Day cake with a message. "Happy Teacher's Day". I will always remember you.

As for mummy, she had a printed card from school for Parent's Day which they did during computer class. She shove it to me and said "Mummy, I no need to write anything lah ok?" She was also required to make a Mother's Day card during art class. The same happened. "Mummy, I simply simply make already can or not? I don't have time but teacher say must make." There was no message on it. She was required to card a heart shape, cut out 20 flowers and paste them all around the heart. In the middle of the card, she wrote simply "Mum". No long "I love you" message for mum. lol.

So you see, teacher's are very important persons in a child's life. Sometimes their words are gold and even more important than a parent's words. I hope that my children continue to get good teachers throughout their schooling years. On my part, I shall try to keep the communication open with the teachers for the good of my children.

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Monday, May 09, 2011

From the same parents but so different

Each child is different. That is an understatement.

Every child is really different and special in their own way. I am often amazed at how different my children are in their personalities.

For example, when I bring lunch for them when they have to stay back in school, the boy would look at his lunchbox eagerly to see what is in it. Then he would eat either make a face or grin happily then eat quickly and leave without a backword glance at me. He would be too eager to get to his class on time with his friend.

On the other hand, the girl would not be very interested in her food. She would glance at it naturally and smile if it is something she likes but she would be more interested to talk to me about something that happened to her in class. Then she would eat very slowly while trying to talk at the same time. After which, she would pack her activity bag slowly and diligently trying not to leave anything out, then turn towards me and wave again and again at least half a dozen times while walking off.

The boy is relaxed, a bit careless, somewhat self assured, independant, and very caring and affectionate.

The girl is anxious, lacks confidence and therefore reliant and dependant, a thinker who is rather intelligent and extremely inquisitive.

They both come from the same parents who bring them up the same way. Because of their very different natures, I am constantly having a very challenging time trying to make sure that they both feel loved equally.

At the moment, I am doing quite a miserable job at it. Just the other day, my girl mumbled to herself "why does mummy always laugh at baby but not at me?" That is because the boy is a joker and can often bring a sponstaneous smile or laughter out from anyone. I see the girl trying very hard to get the same sponstaneous laughter from me. Then she would ask "Is it funny? Is it really funny or are you just pretending?"

She is really trying very hard. Sometimes she tries at a time when I am most busy and preoccupied. I really want to make her feel special and loved but sometimes her constant need for attention and endless queries and questions tires me. "Mummy, did I remember to put in my completed homework in my bag? Are you sure I did? Are you sure I packed my bags for Monday?/Tuesday? etc etc. I tell her it is her responsibility but she is so anxious that she has to seek reassurance from me all the time. She tries to get me to do things for her all the time which is very tiring. "Mummy can you bathe for me. Mummy can you feed me? Mummy, will you help me pack my school bag? Will you help me put the books in my bag? Will you sit beside me and see me pack?" etc.

The boy does not do this. He packs his bag on his own, carelessly dumping his books into his bag. He bathes, eat and does everything independantly and goes away to play on his own when I tell him I am busy.

My sisters tells me that their firstborn behave in the same manner as mine while their second born is more independant like mine. I wonder if that is the case.

I really have a headache. I really have a headache trying to handle this. As a parent, I feel that I must make sure there is no favouritism in my home. I feel that favouritism destroys the sibling relationship. I have seen it in my husband's family and in mine. In my case, I am the favourite child quite by default but I have seen the unhappiness it can cause to other siblings. In my husband's case, he is the least favourite and it causes all sorts of problems too.

So there is no favouritism in my household or at least I try to make sure there isn't... and yet.... there somehow seems to be a "perceived" favouritism going on. I wish I had a magic wand to resolve all sorts of problems.

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Friday, May 06, 2011

Happy Mother's Day to Supermoms Everywhere

I saw this image on Metblogs. It is cute. The expressions on the children's faces are very realistic.

Many days, I wish I had a cape like that. (The boots are a nice touch). Haha. If I had a cape like that, I would fly to a beach resort or something to cool down some before I deal with the kids. Then they will have such a sweet loving mum who does not yell at them at the top of her voice.

Just dreaming. Just dreaming.

Happy Mother's Day to all the supermoms who visit this blog.

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Thursday, May 05, 2011

Dear Daddy

Yesterday my girl wrote a note for her daddy. I wanted to post it here but I think daddy has thrown it away. You know how men are. They are not sentimental about such things. I thought the note was cute and worth remembering so I shall try to remember what was on it and reproduce it here. It said....

Dear Daddy,

Can you give me RM4? I would like to buy 3 flowers. One for mummy, one for my class teacher and one for my computer teacher. The flowers are RM1.50 each. So daddy, can you give me RM4 because I have 70 sen in my purse. Tomorrow is the last day. Please daddy.

Signed off with date and time

Dear Daddy,

Can you give me RM4? I would like to buy 3 flowers. One for mummy, one for my class teacher and one for my computer teacher. The flowers are RM1.50 each. So daddy, can you give me RM4 because I have 70 sen in my purse. Tomorrow is the last day. Please daddy.

Signed off with date and time

I like the "Please daddy" at the end. Haha. This girl sure knows how to ask for something. What will daddy do? Well, daddy asked mummy about it. Mummy said ok since last year we said "No". Then mummy and daddy agreed that baby brother will be jealous and ask to do the same but both mummy and daddy agreed that baby brother will have to take "No" for an answer and wait till he is in Std 3 before he can make special "buying requests" like that. :P

So with that settled, daddy came and gave the girl RM5 just before bedtime and I heard her telling daddy "But daddy, I only need RM4 daddy. I have 70 sen in my purse. I don't need RM5. I only need RM4." Daddy said she could return the change (which she will since she is a very honest girl) then after he left the room she said "Yes!!!!" and went to keep her money in her purse.

Then she asked mummy whether she wanted to have the pink flower or the red flower.

"Mummy, the pink flower is made from harder cloth but it has shading. The red one is softer but no shading. Mummy, I know you will like the pink one. You like pink don't you? I want to buy the pink one for you and my class teacher because I don't want to give my computer teacher the pink one, I want to give her the red one. You like the pink one don't you? I know you do." and after I agreed with her that I like the pink one, she said "Mummy, how will I hide it? Mother's Day isn't until Sunday. I know you have seen the flower but if I buy it tomorrow, how will I hide it till Sunday?"

After I told her that it is ok, she can give it to me before Sunday, then she went to sleep happily.

Little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice..... :)

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Wednesday, May 04, 2011

When is Mother's Day 2011

Yesterday someone mentioned to me that Mother's Day is this weekend. Oh? Is it? I had no idea. That is because we don't celebrate it. On that day it will be more of the same. If I am in a good mood, then I will be happy to celebrate doing more of the same. If I am in the lousy mood, I will pout for feeling unappreciated. haha. Just kidding. The kids are still young. What do they know about Mother's Day or Father's Day.

They learn what is being taught to them in schools. They learn to sing Mother's Day songs and do Mother's Day craft. Sometimes they will sell Mother's Day fake flowers in school and the kids will get all excited and want to "Buy" one for mummy. They love to "buy" things.

My girl said "Mummy, I saw them selling Mother's Day flowers again this year. Will you let me buy? Last year you all did not allow me to buy. It was RM5 a flower. Can I buy?"
"Go ask your father, I said. It is supposed to be for me, right, so why are you asking me?" lol. But then I tell her seriously that I do not need anything from her, just a hug will make me very happy indeed. (I know that she likes to "buy" but to me if they are good, that is the best gift of all. Still, I hope that daddy will let her "buy" just so she can experience the joy of giving and in "buying" too I suppose.)

Yes, I remember last year. I saw the kids who managed to buy the flowers, holding the flowers proudly while those who did not get to buy looking a bit envious. Hmm... quite a novel way of the school to make some money.

So when is Mother's Day 2011? It is on 8 May 2011. That is the 2nd Sunday of May. Father's Day falls on the 3rd Sunday of June. That would be 19 June 2011. How to remember this? Why ladies first of course! Mother's Day is celebrated one month before Father's Day and a week earlier during that month too.

I know quite a lot of mothers who plan with their kids how to celebrate Father's Day but quite often Father's do not know how to plan how to celebrate Mother's Day. Mothers often feel disappointed because of this. As far as I am concerned, there is nothing to be disappointed about. My spouse is not my child so why should he celebrate Mother's Day with me? It would be different if it is Wife's Day (Hey! maybe they should have a Wife's Day, I would like that but my spouse probably wouldn't. Haha.)

Anyway, I help the kids make cards etc for their daddy for Father's Day because I want to teach them to appreciate him. Appreciating people is a very important lesson in life. So we do this little things, not only for daddy but for the kids too.

As for daddy, I think he would like it best if there were as little "days" to celebrate as possible. Thinking about how to celebrate them gives him a headache, I think. ;) He is going to have such a big headache this coming two months. We just celebrated my boy's birthday recently. This month, we have my girl's birthday, Mother's Day, our Wedding Anniversary and next month we have my birthday and Father's Day. Haha. Yes, he is going to have a very huge splitting headache. I know that he would be happy to celebrate only the children's birthdays and conveniently forget about the all the rest but I have marked them on his table calander. ;)

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