Friday, September 21, 2007

How to become a good wife and mother

I want to be a good wife and mother. Its a very simple goal and one that I've yet to meet despite it being so simple!

So how do I become a good wife and mother I ask myself. The answer is very simple really. It is understanding the needs of my hubby and children and fulfilling them. It is all about knowing and understanding my husband and kids really well. It is knowing the way to their hearts. But knowing is not enough. The next step is doing or fulfilling their hearts desire.

For my hubby, the way to his heart is to become more dependable, more organised and to do things together with him more frequently. It is also to stop complaining so much. When I do this, he becomes happier and in return he returns my love. Yes, love really does go round. When you give love, you receive love.

For my kids, the way to their hearts is to listen to them and to play with them. Thats even simpler but again I have trouble fulfilling this simple thing. I have all sorts of excuses from me time to lack of time. I don't fulfil it and as a result I get kids who shout back at me when I shout at them to leave me alone so I can complete some of my own tasks. I know that the way to my kids hearts is to listen and to play with them. And when I do this, they don't act up. They become very nice, loving kids who listen to me.

So now that I've written down the simple things I need to do to become a better wife and mother, like any other goal, I must break them up into smaller more manageable tasks so that I meet those goals.

I was a good wife during the weekend because I tried. I may not always succeed but I did make my best effort to do things together with him as well as to control my temper. When I saw that we had become unhappy about something small which could have blown out of control into something bigger and spoilt everyone's weekend, I put out the fire when it was small and all was well again. That is a small step. Next time, I will do better and prevent the fire from starting. ;)

I told myself that I will try to be a good mother too starting this week. Its only Monday and I've failed. So now I'm going to break it down into more manageable goals. Here they are.

  1. Stop to listen when they talk to me
  2. Play with them at least 30 minutes each day (By this, I mean uninteruppted play. I wanted to write at least one hour but I think I'll start small ie 30 minutes. Hehe. I want to break that down further to spend time separately with each kid each day but I think I will try to meet this goal first)
Writing down, always helps me to think better and do better. From now, I will write down and review these goals periodically and add new ones etc in my goal to become a better wife and mother. Wish me luck!

If you like this post check out my collection of poems for mothers. I wrote this collection of poems over 8 years. It is all about the joys of motherhood including the self doubt we mothers sometimes have, all presented in poem form and short quotes for mothers. You can go here for more information - How not to lose yourself after becoming a mother and wife Mother, Wife, Myself or go straight to Amazon to purchase the book for yourself or a friend. 





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21 comments:

  1. Good luck and good job! Very methodical and you know where your heart is..its in the right place :)

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  2. Just attended a workshop called 5 Love Languages. It's all about filling our spouse's and children's "love tanks". You are on the right track.

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  3. I clicked through to your site using blogrush and your content interested me (currently I'm running a series on my site about motherhood...sixredheads.com). But I'm also a professional blogger and I'd like to offer you a friendly feedback: the ads are so prominent at the top, "above the fold" that I almost left before the page loaded. That is very off-putting. Fortunately, you are good title writer and it was that title that made me wait a second for your content to load! If I were going to hang out here though, the ad placement would be a large distraction. Keep the good content up and tweak your design a bit and you have you have a great site! Blessings~

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  4. shireen,
    Thank you.

    lian,
    Oh, I love the book of the same title.

    tia,
    Thank you so much for your suggestion. I've moved the ugly ad. :)

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  5. Great Article! Here are 5 easy ways to be a better wife.

    http://www.askaden.com/2010/03/5-easy-tips-to-be-better-wife.html

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  6. I am glad to see your blog, I am in a situation where I really need to learn how to be a good monther and wife. Life is a total mess to me, and your story does inspire me.

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  7. I am glad to know that I am not alone in my situation. Word for word, I have recently had the same thoughts, ideas, and realizations. I am married with 3 daughters-my 11 (12 in 4 days) year old stepdaughter, my 9 year old daughter, and my 2 year old daughter. I seem to have managed to unknowingly (to myself only-super apparent to my husband and my kids) become the complete opposite of who I used to be, and I am working my way to being a failure to my husband and kids. My husband and I have been arguing and fighting and so on about this off and on for over a year and a half now, and it finally just clicked with me in the past couple of days. I realized that while I have been thinking that I am doing what I need to do as a wife and mom, and everyone else is slacking off, not doing their share, not being attentive, etc...-it is actually ME who is doing things "backwards" and is not living up to my responsibilities. This has been a VERY bitter pill to swallow for me. As stubborn and hard-headed as I know my husband is, I have figured out that I am twice that. Right now I am very humbled, and basically embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior and actions (or lack of them) in the past year and a half or more. Just yesterday, I poured all of this out, and then some, to my husband, and it went surprisingly well. I didn't get the usual "I'll believe it when I see it" response, or any of the usual disbelief or anything like that. I think it is because for the first time in a long time, I didn't get defensive, or just shut down completely. It feels like the biggest weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the black cloud has disappeared from my family and marriage. I am hopeful that I can work my way into being the person, wife and mom that I have been before, and know I can be again. I hope that I haven't written too much here, and I hope you succeed with everything too. It helps to know that I am not the only one out here dealing with this. :)

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    Replies
    1. I love this article but thank you Erin for your honest and open post. As I was reading it, I realized that I have been complaining about my husband and daughter not doing what they need to do. In reality, I need to do better. My 11 year old daughter said that I have totally changed since I got remarried. I figured that she was just jealous of my husband and my stepkids but now I realize that I have not given her the attention and quality time that she needs and wants. I am ready to take baby steps and do better.

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  8. Hello Erin,
    Thank you for sharing and bringing me back to this post I wrote in 2007. If you click to read my latest post in 2010 which I just wrote yesterday, you will find me still struggling to become a better wife and mother. lol. I think that as wives and mothers we have to continuously give ourselves a self motivational talk as well as a pat on the back if no one else will pat it. :)

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  9. Hi there all! Reading these posts has made me feel less alone and to think a bit more positively. I'm a mum of four and not liking myself as a mother or a wife at the moment. Mind you, I'm also inwardly blaming my husband for everything and expressing my anger and frustration in front of the children and not my husband. He is probably trying his best and doing better than me, but I'm not liking my angry self and lazy self. I'm thinking I will try your idea of writing down my goals as they may help. Part of this may be doing something for myself which I haven't done for 10 years. AHHH! being selfish again! Maybe my lack of decision making and lack of routine is hindering my positive progress towards my family. Sometimes I think they would do better without me but my husband would be a worse choice.
    If I pull my weight a bit more maybe he would become a better person as well.

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  10. Help Please!!

    Life is a complecated thing....You have all these dreams and things that you would like to accomplish.. I thourght by now we would own our own home and I would be running my own buisness. On the top of my accomplishment list was be get married to a really great guy and have 3 children, and I have that, and that makes me happy.

    What no one tells is the hardest part of life is being a good wife and mother...but above all that learning to clean your home, work and be good at it... I have tried all different routines but I always seem to fale but thank god..My children are happy and settled...

    My Husband has had major depression for the past 5 months so it has particulary hard to cope with eveything... But luckly he is on the mend... But now I seem to falling apart..and seem to be letting him down..If anyone has a good some advice i would be most greatful...

    Please let me know that I am not the only wife and mother that feels this way.

    xx

    Roula

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  11. Hello Roula,

    Being a mother to 4 is hard enough. Being a working mother of 3 is harder plus you had to cope with a husband who had major depression. Everything rested on your shoulders then. The responsiblility is so great. Now, that he is on the mend, you are finally able to relax a little and that is probably why you are feeling unsettled now but thankfully as you have said yourself, your children are happy and settled. That means you are indeed doing a good job as a wife and mother. You are certainly not alone. It is important to give yourself a pat on your back for the good job you have done for the past 5 months instead of worrying about what you have not done and should be doing. Go ahead, give yourself a pat on the pat and know that you are not alone. All of us do feel this overwhelming "aaarrrgh" now and then. Take care Roula.

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  12. Hi I am a mother of two a 12 year old and a 9 year old (soon to be 10) and married for 10 years with the guy for 12.
    My daughters never want to listen to me and my husband just allows my kids to do what it is they want to me and I am always saying that Im a very poor mother and that I can never do anything right in my house... I'm the one that handles everything. Bills and household chours. The kids think that it is funny that I do everything and that they don't. My hsuband asks like a kid himself and don't want to help out around the house.
    Both of my kids have medical issues (ADHD,ODD) and the 9 year old is (ADHD,ODD AND PDD) so handleing this is very stressfull for me and on top of things I have alot of medical myself. I have (CYS) Children Youth Services that are now involved with my family because I'm being told that I have a mouth on me that is abusive to the family. I love my husband and kids but I just don't know what else to do and I'm lost.
    Is there anything that people can do for me for my family to love me and respect me for who I am and have my children treat me with respect like kids are susposed to do to their parents? I'm in a die or need with some help from someone so that my family loves me and I can love myself for doing a good job with my family and then not have to worry about haven my kids tell me that they hate me and that they don't have to listen to me at all because they know what life is all about and really they don't.
    I feel like the little boy who called wolf. Is that a bad thing?
    Can someone help me?

    Thank-you

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  13. Those are great goals and helpful tips. I am a mom of a 4 year old girl and yes juggling the 2 titles of wife and mom can be a major challenge.Lets keep in touch. STW0127@aol.com

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  14. I jst got married and a mother of a 6yr boy the thing is i hardly spend time wth hm and i see him after a long time bcoz hes stayn wth his grndparnts im i a bad mother

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  15. I want to try to be a good mother also and spend time with my children and give them the love and affection they need to become great adults one day.

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  16. Hey good peopl. i dont know if my situation is any different. I am a full time working mom and wife and m only twenty five. My hubby is one person who will not take life seriously. He will not take medical aid for our child, pay the bills or when he does he'll do so when he pleases. he just leaves me to do all. For the sake of peace in our home i sometimes keep quiet and just do what needs to be done. Its eating me up. i feel depressed all the time and at times think of leaving him. Talking or keeping quiet is all the same as he wont listen. m scared my baby will grow up with separated parents. how can i concentrate on being a good wife when i go thru all this.Please help

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  17. Glad to know I'm not the only one with theese thoughts. Being a good mom and wife is hard work!! Sometimes it can feel overwhelming and on top of everyday stresses it can make your head spin..lol. No one is born a "great "parent just like kids aren't born "good" kids its a skill and a adventure learning so why not do it together?

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  18. I think it's hard trying to be everything to everyone in our lives. There are actions by our spouse that makes us feel loved and there are other actions that make us feel hurt. So because of this, I don't think losing yourself to your spouse's desires/ expectations is always a good thing. If you start doing things only because you feel your spouse expects it from you, it becomes catering to them endlessly. For example, the only time my spouse calls me a lazy mother and housewife in so many words, even if he's trying to be kind and selective in his words, is when something I usually always get done, goes undone. In those cases it's because I'm a mother and I have chosen to put more of an unbalanced effort towards taking my 3 yr old to the park or showing her a lot of attention for the day.
    I have the same goals as a lot of you other mothers though. I don't want my husband to resent me because I don't do the dishes one day. There are expectations he has of me and I want to please him so for example I do the dishes 3 out of 5 days of the week before he gets home from his job, but about 2 days out of every 7 days, I'm doing them late at night before bed. (And in my defense, these are everyone's dishes.)
    What I choose to do in my house is to try my best to spend time on and with my children. I have 3 daughters, ages, 3, 4, and 10 yrs old. The job I resonate most with is mother, not cleaning person. Though I do do a lot of cleaning. I really feel we should, as mothers, take 8 hours out of the day, to focus and teach our children that they deserve our time whether it's in the form of homeschooling, nature walks, park for kid's exercise, teach your kids a sport/skill/about the world. Talk to them with patience and make their time your time. Yes, you can include some housework into that including your children to also teach them household skills. But I don't think we should stress and talk frustratedly to our children that we have to finish the dishes/laundry/picking up fast fast fast so Daddy will be happy or not mad with us. Our job if we are mothers, is to have a time during our day btween breakfast and lunch and dinner to be patient with them and not lose our cool, because we are worried that we are not catering enough to our spouses' expectation of house chores to be done as well as being a really good nurturer/caregiver to our children. So my major goals daily for myself is to not push this frustrated feeling of what my husband expects from me, onto the children. Example: Goal 1- Don't yell or be frantic with my kids and tell them I can't spend time with them because I have to keep cleaning. Admittingly, sometimes I fail at this. That's why it's my first goal.
    Goal 2- Show my husband I care about him as well, but not with household chores. Example: Make him a nice hot dinner and get this kids bathed faster than I usually do so he can spend time with me alone. Sometimes I fail at this between the running around picking kids up from school and garden club for my oldest daughter once a week, and hm wk help, and my husband likes dinner at 5:15 right when he comes home. Sometimes I'm just at the vegetaqble chopping stage when he walks in the door. So I try to be better about this since I know hes hungry when he walks in the door.
    Goal 3- Kind of a private one, but have more sex with my husband. He's a non pressure guy in this respect, but I feel bad when it's been awhile.
    And Goal 4 is for myself- Be more confident in myself, and what I do, how I walk, talk. And just try to be happy with myself.

    So I hope other moms don't find my post too selfish. I love my husband and kids, but I just try to be honest about what I feel is fair. I don't think my husband should be my boss so to speak because we're supposed to be a team. And I try to bring to the table what's fair, but not cater to him and make myself slowly but surely a doormat of a housewife.

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    Replies
    1. This was not selfish at all and was the most helpful post yet. Thank you.

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  19. how do i become a better mother and a wife. i have a heard time getting alone with my family.

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