Wednesday, April 13, 2011

My daughter only misbehaves for me

Me and My Girl

The other day I was talking about how to handle my 9 year old girl. Though she occassionally behaves in that annoying way of pestering, asking questions over and over again, being rude and making me repeat myself over and over again, this type of behaviour happens more frequently with me than with other people.

In order to understand her behaviour, I wrote down a list of her good points and what I would like her to do more or less and I asked her to do the same.

She wants me to listen to her more...

She would like to do some things in her own way....

After having some talks with her, I realise a  few things....
  1. I am at the receiving end of this bad behaviour the most because I am with her the most.
  2. I am impatient with her and speak impatiently with her most of the time and she is speaking in the same manner as me
  3. She is doing this attention seeking behavour because she would like me to listen to her more.

  4. She would like to have the freedom of doing certain things in her own way
  5. She is not afraid of me. She thinks she can get away with this kind of behaviour and she can demand things from me. I find that she is offhanded and takes me for granted
The first two is obvious to me, very obvious. When she speaks rudely to me, I hear myself in her. No. 3 & 4 she told me in writing in  her note to me in the little exercise that we did. As for No. 5, when I asked her why she only behaves that way with me and not with her friends or with daddy, she told me "because I am scared of my friends" and later "because I am scared of daddy".

Right, so now I know all the reasons for her behaviour. Yet, it is still not easy to stop the bad behaviour. It is like we have entered into a vicious cycle that we can't get out of.

I get especially annoyed when she hands me her stuff to keep. I have told her time and again that it is her responsibility yet she continues to do it. She would ask me where her things are, hand me her specs to keep, her clothes to hang, her hairbands to put away. She even gives me her rubbish to throw. I tell her "Go and do it yourself. It is your own things. I am not your maid. I am not a clothes hanger or a dustbin. Go and do it yourself." and the very next moment she does it again. She also likes to call me and speak to me at that very moment, as though it is of the utmost importance and whatever it is that I am in the midst of doing can wait. When I tell her to wait and that I would come back to her and I do come back to her, she would sulk and complain that I have made her forget what she wanted to say.

Each day is a challenge. I try my best to listen to her more, try to slow down etc and then either she is rude or I am impatient and then we are back to the cycle of more rudeness and scolding. It would seem like I am scolding her every day. I wish that our relationship was smoother and more relaxed.

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  1. I received a similar note from my girl yesterday.

  2. oh i am one impatient mom. i get annoyed easily because my daughter is with me all the time..except for the 4 hours she's in school. i notice that when i get annoyed, she would too and behave rudely. when i talk to her nicely, she would do the same. i wish i have the patience every day and have better control of my emotions :(

  3. Elaine,
    Your girl is rather good in expressing herself in her notes.

    mommy to chumsy,
    I wish the same too. Yes, I too notice that when I speak calmly to them they will speak calmly too and when I express my frustration in an impatient manner, then I see the same reactions.

  4. LOL, kids rebel normally because they ought to gain our attention or to avoid something!^-^ You have a sweet girl, yeah... we shall open ourself to the children and listen to them patiently!


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