Monday, May 30, 2011

Communicating Negative Feelings

I am not very good at communicating negative feelings. Most of the time I will just blurt them out, as in the case of "Why don't you just go and play badminton with your friends then!" You see, I was not very happy that hubby had even suggested the idea that he was thinking of going for a game with his friends on our 10th wedding anniversary. Now, we do not normally celebrate our wedding anniversaries and I am perfectly ok with it but surely the 10th milestone is something worthy celebrating? I thought to myself.

So, when we became unhappy with each other over another small matter, ie. the children's test and our handling of it, I blurted my first unhappiness out even though they were unrelated. Haha. And I know that hubby being the kind of person that he is will not let me off that easily. For him, words are set in stone, and once uttered, you must live up to it. So I sealed my fate  evening that day. :)

Another thing, I often cannot wait to discuss things. I MUST discuss it there and then, on the spot but of course that is exactly something that one should not do. Quite often, when I do that, wow! words of dagger shoot out non-stop and hurtful words are uttered. It is really quite unnecessary for very often, the very next day, we would have cooled off and we can always discuss it more calmly another time. Really! It is just as they say in relationship books. :)

Oh yes and one more thing. I broke my rule of never writing negative things on my blog. My blog is supposed to be my positive place, a place to help me think positively. However, I thought, that since I can't talk RIGHT THERE AND THEN to hubby, I might as well talk RIGHT THERE AND THEN on my blog or else I'd burst! and see if it helps. The only way it helped is, I saw that when you are in a negative frame of mind, everything appears more negative then it seems!

I learned quite a lot this weekend. So, what did we do for our 10th wedding anniversary? Better record it down before I get old and grey and forgets. My father has dementia and I think I may too because I take "brain medicine" and I have a very strange forgetful mind. It is quite scary really.

In the morning, we fetched the kids to school together. Still somewhat unhappy with each other, we did not wish each other "Happy Anniversary" just like two silly, pouty kids. I thought that I should not spoil our day, so after we came home, I went to wear the dress that I wore on our wedding registration day. It still fit but it looked tighter. Haha. I took our wedding registration photo then went to show hubby. "Look dear, am I fatter? Its the same dress you know?" That broke the ice and he said "Happy Wedding Anniversary to us." Hehe.

Then we went to buy tickets for our movie date (with the kids). The girl at the ticket counter asked him whether he was 50 to enjoy a senior discount. "Do I look that old?" he asked the girl and then she looked at me and said "What about you ma'am?" Ouch!!!! Nevermind, we went hand in hand to book a place for our lunch date. (well it didn't feel strangely distant, just familiar and still electrifying. Hehe) I told him that he looked like old man trying to go out with girlfriend but then if anyone looked at the "girlfriend" they would know that she is the wife because she looked old too. Oh, he also suggested that we go and buy a shawl for me because he said the sweater that I was wearing over my wedding registration dress to keep me warm for our movie date, did not go with my dress. And so we did. We went to buy a pink shawl, soft and flowing and hardly keeps me warm but pretty. I like! :)

Then we went to sit in the sun for more than an hour to wait for the kids to come out. When they did, we made them change in the car. Then daddy asked the boy to go to his bag to get something out. It was a neckless and chocolates for mummy! (Oh! And I thought romance was dead.....) but then he did qualify it and said that the gifts were to last for the next 10 years. And the next day when we celebrated the girl's birthday, he said that these celebrations are nice but so tiring. I should have told him that that is what life is all about and it is nice if you have something and can in fact celebrate something or more! I just thought of that. :)

So we completed our celebrations with tim sum lunch and a 3-D movie with the kids. And then he went to play badminton with his friends and by the time he came home I was fast asleep with the kids. And the next day we had another full day, celebrating with the girl, letting her play computer games and eat whatever she wanted. Daddy bought her a remote control helicopter so we took her to the park to try it out in the evening.

Ooh how nice..... but then after two days, we were back at it again, being mad at each other. Haha. He wanted me to think of a way to turn the kids playroom into an exercise room because they needed more physical exercises to sweat it out especially the girl. He said going to the park all the time isn't always feasible because of the weather and safety reasons. So he wanted to turn the room into a gym room sort of. I said it wasn't possible because the room is so small and he got mad.

"You never support me in anything. You are always saying no before you even try. I don't want our kids to learn from you. As usual, I have to work and still think of all these things." Naturally that upset me. "Yes, I would certainly like to see you think of something if you can!" Oh but I was so riled. I was thinking about how I can never meet up to his expectations no matter how I try. I do so many things but they never get recognised. I just hear the "You never support me" and "I have to work and still think about all these things for us." all the time. Makes me feel as though I am doing nothing worthwile. I wanted to say more things RIGHT THERE AND THEN but then he went inside the bedroom and locked the door and I remembered that I was supposed to shut my big gap so I went to sleep instead. Haha.

RIGHT THERE AND THEN is never a good time to communicate negative feelings. That is what I learned after being married for 10 years.....

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  1. Happy Wedding Anniversary to you :)

    psst...I like to discuss things right there and then hence the fireworks each time :( i don't like to keep it inside me until the next day *sigh*

  2. a very honest post MG. but I remember you saying your hubby doesn't read what you write, thus ok to write it here right? haha..
    I'm glad you had a lovely anniversary. Wearing your special dress sounds really speciaL! I would be too shy or embarassed to do that. Sounds like you're a real romantic at heart. :)
    As for's always like that isn't it? Our spouses don't see our side of the picture, just as we fail to see it from their point too. Yea, it's good to talk after one is calmed down. I once went for marriage talk, and I liked their suggestion where once a week spouses have a talk. During this talk, wife has the changce to talk for a fixed amm of time while husband is to listen without arguing but instead repeat back to the wife what she's said. then hubby gets a turn. It really helps us understand one another better. Anyway..have a good holiday! hope you're enjoy the break. :)

  3. is that really so? coz i like to say things there and then too. Thanks for reminding me that maybe I too need to shut my big gap. LOL. I agree with Martha, you sound like a real romantic at heart person. But your hubby sure gets easily riled up huh?

  4. mommy to chumsy,
    *Fireworks!* Yes, that is what I get when I dunno how to shut up. Haha.

    Listen without arguing. Tough! lol.

    I am afraid you got it the wrong way round. I am the one who is easily riled up. Hubby is cool as a cucumber. He can often talk calmly and rationally without losing his cool. I am the one with the short fuse. :P

  5. Glad you could take a break from getting mad at each other to spend a romantic (by my standards very romantic already-la) wedding anniversary together. I usually give my hubby silent treatment first if I'm mad until I can't be silent anymore and erupt like a volcano.

  6. yes, me too have to shut my mouth to avoid thunderstorm or tornado. For children sake, I have to act mute most of the time to save the days. Thanks for sharing!


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