Saturday, July 6 Is International Kissing Day 2013

Saturday, July 6 Is International Kissing Day 2013. So, remember to kiss your loved ones.

Do you kiss and tell your loved ones you love them often? Don't just leave it for Kissing Day.

"A Kiss Is A Lovely Trick Designed By Nature To Stop Speech When Words Become Superflous." - Ingrid Bergman

If you have forgotten how to kiss your spouse the right way, here are some videos to get you in the mood. ;)

Or you can check out cute Kiss Tshirts from Zazzle

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Do Facial Expressions Matter?

My husband tried to teach me tennis many years ago and he kept on giving me a fed up and frustrated look. I felt very much affected by the look and could not play at all. He insists that facial expressions do not matter. He says I must remain objective and not let it affect me. To this day, he says that facial expressions do not matter. I beg to differ.

I think facial expressions matter a lot. Sometimes, they speak volumes. Sometimes, they say much more than words can say. 

With this believe, now as a mom, I believe that I must control my facial expressions when talking with the kids. My girl is always coming to me and asking me "Are you angry with me, mom? Are you happy with me mom? Not angry?"

My children say that I am angry all the time and I frown all the time. What a bad example I am showing to them. Today's mantra is "I must control my facial expressions. I must control my facial expressions."

Oh and regarding my tennis classes? Eventually, my husband paid for a tennis coach to teach me but I still can't play for the life of me. I can only run around picking up the tennis balls. :P

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I Wish I Was A Supermom

The boy vomits in his sleep. Supermom with her super ears hears the gurgling that signals vomiting and gets up automatically to push him to a sitting position. Nothing comes out, only bile since he has emptied his stomach from all the vomiting he did earlier on in the day. He gets up periodically, every half to one hour 4 to 5 times to vomit more bile and Supermom gets up too. The next day Supermom has to wash vomit soaked pyjamas.

The young daughter is having her period. She leaves behind period soaked clothing for Supermom to wash too. The bile soaked pyjamas and period soaked clothing leaves behind an interesting yellow and red colour in the blue and pink pails, thinks sleepy Supermom.

Its her 12th day wedding anniversary and Superdad, that smart fellow says "Happy Anniversary, dear" and goes off to work. No present or anything else for Supermom because the smart fellow said the necklace he gave Supermom on their 10th wedding anniversary (which Supermom reminded him was a significant year to celebrate) was supposed to last several years. So no present last year and none this year for Supermom. Supermom doesn't get Superdad anything either and  he reminded her that she didn't get anything for his birthday this year too. 

For her wedding anniversary dinner, Supermom cooks porridge for the whole family. In fact, the whole family has been dining on this fine cuisine, plain white porridge cooked up by Supermom for the past 4 meals in a row since the boy is sick and Superdad has a stomach virus. Hopefully this porridge diet will take a few pounds off Supermom, she thinks. 

Oh, yes, there is one more thing that Supermom thinks......

Somedays I wish that being a supermom was as simple as donning a superhero costume. 

Yes, I wish that right now. 

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The Burden Of Responsibility Of A Mum And A Housewife

I was not feeling well for the past week. To make matters worse, my full time helper at home went back to her hometown for a holiday for a month. To make it even worse, the boy was not able to attend school for about a week due to some virus which gave him vomiting and diarrhea. To add to the troubles, his sister had chicken pox and had to stay home for a week too. The spouse had lots of important meetings during this time so he was not able to help out very much. The kids have piles of homework to catch up on.

However, with the kids sick, there was no way they could eat takeaway food from outside. So, even though I felt feverish, nausea and ill, I had to drag myself out of bed to prepare food and clean up, make sure the toilets were clean enough not to make anyone else more sick then they already were and take care of other basic hygiene. That is the burden of responsibility.

Meals have to be taken care of or there will be nothing to eat. Clothes need to be laundered and ironed or there will be nothing to wear and basic hygiene and cleanliness must be met in the house and by its occupants and it is mum's burden of responsibility that the tiny people of the house understand this. Kids are back in school and there are tons of homework to catch up on, little uniforms to wash and press, homework help required.

Right at the time when I need it most to recover faster, I can't sleep just thinking about all there is that needs to be done. That is the burden of responsibility. Dad may talk about the financial burden but this certainly isn't any easier. Thankfully, I have a helper to assist me most of the time. I hope she comes back.

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Old Fashioned Wife

Once upon a time there was an old fashioned wife who had an old fashioned spouse who likes his wife to be a SAHM who looks after the kids, is there to greet them from school, feed them, teach them, nurture them and then be there to greet the spouse to feed him and nurture him. Well, something like that.

He got the SAHM part of the bargain and the teach them and nurture them part thrown in. However, since they’ve got a helper at home, his spouse has abandoned housework and cooking! He likes the clean house with the helper’s assistance, much better than when his wife was looking after it. His bookshelves were covered with dust them and his wife often gave the excuse that she has this motto….

“It is better to have a home filled with dust and love then a cold spick and span house.”

Yeah, she made up that household saying all by herself.

A few months after the helper came in and as the helper became better and better with the wife’s guide of course, she slowly let go of the tasks one by one, cleaning the toilets, moping the floor, ironing his shirts, cooking the dinner.

Old Fashioned Man said nothing but in his heart he wanted his wife to cook for him, personally, herself. He also wanted her to iron his shirts and mend his buttons herself but she never did any of those things anymore. She only cooked him instant noodles during the weekends when the helper was busy washing the car.

Well, the thing is old fashioned wife doesn’t really like to cook. To her cooking is just another household task. She does not look at that task with love. If somebody else can do it just as well as her and free her up to spend more time teaching the kids, then why not?

But then …. uh oh…. old fashioned wife forgot that she has an even more old fashioned spouse. So her New Year’s resolution is to spend more time cooking up home cooked meals herself, personally but she still won’t do the ironing, I’m afraid.

Perhaps some kind soul would like to share some simple home cooked recipes with old fashioned wife? She will be so grateful… or rather her spouse would be so grateful.

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Daily Affirmations on How to Be A Better Wife

As a Stay At Home Mother, sometimes I am so tired of dealing with the kids all day, I forget to be a wife. That is why I subscribe to some internet newsletters to give myself Daily Affirmations on How To Be A Better Wife.

I think it is a good idea to subscribe to such a newsletter. Just go to a Marriage and Relationship website that you think is good and subscribe to their daily newsletter if they have one. It will serve as a good daily reminder on how you should act and react as a wife.

There is a lot of information on the internet and I hardly have the time to read them. I would not surf the net very much unless there is something specific I am looking for so having something delivered to my mailbox is a good way of making me read.

I do subscribe to some other relationship sites on my Google Reader. However my Google Reader is so full of unread blog posts that I often just tune off altogether. So the best way is still to subscribe to a newsletter.

The daily affirmations I receive remind me to be patient, to give more and ask less, to listen better, be more forgiving, to think before I speak etc. Of course, I have read and know all these things but it does help to be reminded of it daily and like anything else, you become better with practice even being a wife and mother.

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Communicating effectively with your spouse

This year for my wedding anniversary, my spouse gave me a necklace. However, I am not a necklace person. I am a bracelet person. If you ask me to put down my jewellery preference order, it would be something like this…

1. 1. Bracelet (especially charm bracelets!)
2. 2. Rings (I prefer the dainty to the louder for modern or fashionable types)
3. 3. Earrings (I like dangling. Earrings really bring out the wearer’s face and brightens it a little)
4. 3. Necklaces (which are harder to match and sometimes clash with the wearer’s outfits)

I also really prefer precious gems and crystals to silver and gold. Silver is so cold and it reminds me of stainless steel. I prefer dainty over chunky and I don't like jade and pearls are just so so. Whoa! Such a lot of requirements!

Not this gold bangle, dear!

I know this but he doesn’t and he has never asked me before so how will he know? So what do I do? Do I keep quiet about my preferences or do I voice them out? When and how should I voice it out? It seems so unkind to tell someone (who has taken the time and trouble to think about and buy and gift for you) that you really prefer something else?

Ah.. this multigem bracelet is more like it!

There were other times in the past where he gave me bangles. However, I don’t like bangles, I prefer bracelets which are more flexible and pretty (in my eyes) and I love charm bracelets but I don’t think he even knows what a charm bracelet is!

Not this Gold Necklace, dear.

Should I tell it directly? Indirectly? Hint? Pick the right time? Etc. It is all so hard for such a simple thing.
So the other day, I decided to go direct, after years of keeping quiet. I’m just exaggerating here but somehow the subject never came up.

This pair of crystal earrings will do nicely instead.

Anyway, the other day, the man was asking me why I wasn’t wearing his necklace. I said that I didn’t think it was appropriate or necessary because we were just going to the movies. Then I blurted out …..

“You know, after all these years, you still don’t know me well. You don’t know what jewellery I like or what food I like to eat”

Not this Big Bling Crystal Heart Fasion Ring my love

Well, the man didn’t get upset (well, maybe a little) but I think I’ve hurt his feelings a little. Hmm… I just don’t know how to do this. How do you tell someone you prefer something else after all the trouble and thought they have put into giving you something which they think is really nice and which they think they would like you to have?

Too bad, this lovely Citrine Birthstone Ring is for November, I'm born in June.

How do you communicate effectively with your spouse, even over such a simple manner. I am clueless. I am terribly bad at communcation and after being married for 10 years, I am still learning. Care to share with me some effective communication skills? How do you communicate effectively with your spouse?

A little bit of fun: Know your birthstone.

1. January Birthstone is Garnet (Deep Red)
2. February Birthstone is Amethyst (Purple)
3. March Birthstone is Aquamarine (Pale Blue)
4. April Birthstone is Diamond (Clear or White)
5. May Birthstone is Emerald (Green)
6. June Birthstone is Pearl (White)
7. July Birthstone is Ruby (Red)
8. August Birthstone is Peridot (Pale Green)
9. September Birthstone is Sapphire (Deep Blue)
10. October Birthstone is Opal (Pink)
11. November Birthstone is Citrine (Yellow)
12. December Birthstone is Turquoise (Blue)

Of all these, I love sapphire, emerald, ruby and opal best of all. Oh and not forgetting diamonds. Diamonds are supposed to be a girl's best friend afterall so you can never go wrong with diamonds. :)

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Chivalry towards your spouse

I read with wry amusement this article in the Star "The knight in rusty armour". I was especially amused by this part......

"Instead of opening the car door for her upon arrival at their destination, the husband closes his own door and walks off. When once they used to walk hand in hand at the shopping mall, the man now strides two or three paces ahead while the woman has to play catch up. Although, to his credit, he does turn back once in a while to ask, “Can’t you walk faster?” Gone are the days when he would window-shop with her. His newspaper is his friend while he sits on the bench and gruffly tells his wife: “Go ahead, let me finish this article...”

How true, how very true. For me, the part about playing catch up is, well, it could have been me who wrote that part. Adding to this, I have been making something for my spouse which I knows he likes. Has he said "Thank you"? I don't recall. In fact, when I tried to show one of it to him excitedly, recently (I may have picked the wrong time), he said "Oh, please, puleez!" Yeah. Yeah. I know he was on the internet trying to do some important reading about his health and ways to improve it and my timing was bad to try to show him this something on the computer at that time but .......

Hmmm.... that article may be amusing but it is not very funny, really! Its not true what they show you in the movies and storybooks. You DON'T ride off into the sunset with your knight in shining armor. The armor's are prone to rust and it will get dusty once it is tossed aside and no longer used.

No one is expected to have doors open for them, not when you have a bunch of groceries and a group of noisy kids to watch over but guys, I do advise you to take out your old armor and give it a little polish before it totally disintegrates into dust. Oh and the advise works both ways. You too ladies. Remember what makes you a lady in the first place. No looking like the maid, loud burps, yelling voices etc. ;)

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Communicating Negative Feelings

I am not very good at communicating negative feelings. Most of the time I will just blurt them out, as in the case of "Why don't you just go and play badminton with your friends then!" You see, I was not very happy that hubby had even suggested the idea that he was thinking of going for a game with his friends on our 10th wedding anniversary. Now, we do not normally celebrate our wedding anniversaries and I am perfectly ok with it but surely the 10th milestone is something worthy celebrating? I thought to myself.

So, when we became unhappy with each other over another small matter, ie. the children's test and our handling of it, I blurted my first unhappiness out even though they were unrelated. Haha. And I know that hubby being the kind of person that he is will not let me off that easily. For him, words are set in stone, and once uttered, you must live up to it. So I sealed my fate  evening that day. :)

Another thing, I often cannot wait to discuss things. I MUST discuss it there and then, on the spot but of course that is exactly something that one should not do. Quite often, when I do that, wow! words of dagger shoot out non-stop and hurtful words are uttered. It is really quite unnecessary for very often, the very next day, we would have cooled off and we can always discuss it more calmly another time. Really! It is just as they say in relationship books. :)

Oh yes and one more thing. I broke my rule of never writing negative things on my blog. My blog is supposed to be my positive place, a place to help me think positively. However, I thought, that since I can't talk RIGHT THERE AND THEN to hubby, I might as well talk RIGHT THERE AND THEN on my blog or else I'd burst! and see if it helps. The only way it helped is, I saw that when you are in a negative frame of mind, everything appears more negative then it seems!

I learned quite a lot this weekend. So, what did we do for our 10th wedding anniversary? Better record it down before I get old and grey and forgets. My father has dementia and I think I may too because I take "brain medicine" and I have a very strange forgetful mind. It is quite scary really.

In the morning, we fetched the kids to school together. Still somewhat unhappy with each other, we did not wish each other "Happy Anniversary" just like two silly, pouty kids. I thought that I should not spoil our day, so after we came home, I went to wear the dress that I wore on our wedding registration day. It still fit but it looked tighter. Haha. I took our wedding registration photo then went to show hubby. "Look dear, am I fatter? Its the same dress you know?" That broke the ice and he said "Happy Wedding Anniversary to us." Hehe.

Then we went to buy tickets for our movie date (with the kids). The girl at the ticket counter asked him whether he was 50 to enjoy a senior discount. "Do I look that old?" he asked the girl and then she looked at me and said "What about you ma'am?" Ouch!!!! Nevermind, we went hand in hand to book a place for our lunch date. (well it didn't feel strangely distant, just familiar and still electrifying. Hehe) I told him that he looked like old man trying to go out with girlfriend but then if anyone looked at the "girlfriend" they would know that she is the wife because she looked old too. Oh, he also suggested that we go and buy a shawl for me because he said the sweater that I was wearing over my wedding registration dress to keep me warm for our movie date, did not go with my dress. And so we did. We went to buy a pink shawl, soft and flowing and hardly keeps me warm but pretty. I like! :)

Then we went to sit in the sun for more than an hour to wait for the kids to come out. When they did, we made them change in the car. Then daddy asked the boy to go to his bag to get something out. It was a neckless and chocolates for mummy! (Oh! And I thought romance was dead.....) but then he did qualify it and said that the gifts were to last for the next 10 years. And the next day when we celebrated the girl's birthday, he said that these celebrations are nice but so tiring. I should have told him that that is what life is all about and it is nice if you have something and can in fact celebrate something or more! I just thought of that. :)

So we completed our celebrations with tim sum lunch and a 3-D movie with the kids. And then he went to play badminton with his friends and by the time he came home I was fast asleep with the kids. And the next day we had another full day, celebrating with the girl, letting her play computer games and eat whatever she wanted. Daddy bought her a remote control helicopter so we took her to the park to try it out in the evening.

Ooh how nice..... but then after two days, we were back at it again, being mad at each other. Haha. He wanted me to think of a way to turn the kids playroom into an exercise room because they needed more physical exercises to sweat it out especially the girl. He said going to the park all the time isn't always feasible because of the weather and safety reasons. So he wanted to turn the room into a gym room sort of. I said it wasn't possible because the room is so small and he got mad.

"You never support me in anything. You are always saying no before you even try. I don't want our kids to learn from you. As usual, I have to work and still think of all these things." Naturally that upset me. "Yes, I would certainly like to see you think of something if you can!" Oh but I was so riled. I was thinking about how I can never meet up to his expectations no matter how I try. I do so many things but they never get recognised. I just hear the "You never support me" and "I have to work and still think about all these things for us." all the time. Makes me feel as though I am doing nothing worthwile. I wanted to say more things RIGHT THERE AND THEN but then he went inside the bedroom and locked the door and I remembered that I was supposed to shut my big gap so I went to sleep instead. Haha.

RIGHT THERE AND THEN is never a good time to communicate negative feelings. That is what I learned after being married for 10 years.....

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Romance is dead....

Romance is dead (well even if not dead, it is sickly) after 10 years of marriage. I don't cook anything special he likes for him on any special day except maybe Chinese New Year. Hey! I cook everyday don't I? So what can be so special about cooking for him? It is just like any other day now. Worse still, I don't have time to cook now! I have a helper who helps me. Yes, I am at fault too for the death of romance.

Not terribly romantic to begin with, his favourite phrase is "she knew what he was like before she married him, so why is she complaining now?" Ok. I get the hint dear. I no longer have any expectations for without expectations there won't be any disappointments and anything above that is a bonus. Yes, my threshold for romance has been lowered to the floor.

I used to like to write for him or to him but he deletes my writings so I have lost my urge to do so. No, I Love Yous either. Only 3 little words but so hard to say. I've also lost the urge to say so now for a long time because it is like a one way street when you don't get a "I Love You too!" in return.

Even holding hands feel strange now, strangely distant. Oh and too many hurtful things have been said over the  years like "Why did you marry me when...." "Why don't we just get a divorce then" or most lately "I feel sorry for us. We are so different." The I feel sorry for us part sounds sadly as though we are merely stuck together. Do you not realise that these words hurt very much?

Oh well, romance is dead but the marriage is still alive. The laughter is still there, that is the most important. We still laugh and we do talk about other things other than the kids. Be careful if you don't talk about anything else anymore, other than about the kids. Then not only romance but the marriage will be dead too. Fortunately, only romance is dead in this household.

So, what grand plans do we have for our 10th wedding anniversary? Well, the man has taken leave from work (wow! so romantic) but wait a minute, it is also the last day of school. :) So we'll probably go pick the kids up together, surprise them with some fast food lunch and take them for a movie. We're wondering whether to bring the maid along..... Romance? What's that?

And in the evening he'll go play badminton with his mates and I will go to bed early with the kids. And he says he wants to buy me a new fridge as a present, belatedly, so that I'll find more space to put in all those fruits and vegetables that he wants me to juice for him. And what have I got for him? Why, nothing, as usual....Yes, romance is dead.....

Oh don't mind me. I'm just ranting. Most of the time, I feel happily married even though I may rant at times but sometimes I have the strange suspicions that he does not feel that way especially when he says "You claim that you are happy but how can you be happy when you are complaining all the time. Am I complaining all the time? I don't think so. This is the first mildly negative post I have written in all my 7 years of posting. Hurtful words. "I'm sorry for us...." I can't get that out of my head. :(

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When is Mother's Day 2011

Yesterday someone mentioned to me that Mother's Day is this weekend. Oh? Is it? I had no idea. That is because we don't celebrate it. On that day it will be more of the same. If I am in a good mood, then I will be happy to celebrate doing more of the same. If I am in the lousy mood, I will pout for feeling unappreciated. haha. Just kidding. The kids are still young. What do they know about Mother's Day or Father's Day.

They learn what is being taught to them in schools. They learn to sing Mother's Day songs and do Mother's Day craft. Sometimes they will sell Mother's Day fake flowers in school and the kids will get all excited and want to "Buy" one for mummy. They love to "buy" things.

My girl said "Mummy, I saw them selling Mother's Day flowers again this year. Will you let me buy? Last year you all did not allow me to buy. It was RM5 a flower. Can I buy?"

"Go ask your father, I said. It is supposed to be for me, right, so why are you asking me?" lol. But then I tell her seriously that I do not need anything from her, just a hug will make me very happy indeed. (I know that she likes to "buy" but to me if they are good, that is the best gift of all. Still, I hope that daddy will let her "buy" just so she can experience the joy of giving and in "buying" too I suppose.)

Yes, I remember last year. I saw the kids who managed to buy the flowers, holding the flowers proudly while those who did not get to buy looking a bit envious. Hmm... quite a novel way of the school to make some money.

So when is Mother's Day 2011? It is on 8 May 2011. That is the 2nd Sunday of May. Father's Day falls on the 3rd Sunday of June. That would be 19 June 2011. How to remember this? Why ladies first of course! Mother's Day is celebrated one month before Father's Day and a week earlier during that month too.

I know quite a lot of mothers who plan with their kids how to celebrate Father's Day but quite often Father's do not know how to plan how to celebrate Mother's Day. Mothers often feel disappointed because of this. As far as I am concerned, there is nothing to be disappointed about. My spouse is not my child so why should he celebrate Mother's Day with me? It would be different if it is Wife's Day (Hey! maybe they should have a Wife's Day, I would like that but my spouse probably wouldn't. Haha.)

Anyway, I help the kids make cards etc for their daddy for Father's Day because I want to teach them to appreciate him. Appreciating people is a very important lesson in life. So we do this little things, not only for daddy but for the kids too.

As for daddy, I think he would like it best if there were as little "days" to celebrate as possible. Thinking about how to celebrate them gives him a headache, I think. ;) He is going to have such a big headache this coming two months. We just celebrated my boy's birthday recently. This month, we have my girl's birthday, Mother's Day, our Wedding Anniversary and next month we have my birthday and Father's Day. Haha. Yes, he is going to have a very huge splitting headache. I know that he would be happy to celebrate only the children's birthdays and conveniently forget about the all the rest but I have marked them on his table calander. ;)

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What is your primary love language?

Some years ago I read Dr.Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages". It is based on the very simple idea that we all speak different love languages. So if you or your spouse or child speak different love languages, you will not understand each other or feel loved. To make your spouse or child feel loved, you have to first know and understand his or her love language.

It is like speaking Chinese and French for example. If you speak Chinese and your spouse or child speaks French, you will not understand each other or feel loved.

In Dr. Chapman's book, the Five Love Languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

If you really sit down and think about it, you will realise that your spouse or child speak the "loudest" in any one or two of the listed love languages above. "Talk" to them in their love language and the will feel loved. Speak their love language in order to convey love to them. So if your spouse speaks French, you have to learn French in order for him to understand you. If you speak Chinese, which is your love language, he will not understand you or feel loved.

Very simple isn't it?

So do you know what is your love language? Try this quiz to find out. :) Love Languages Test.

My Love Language is Physical Touch (1) and Words of Affirmation (2). I think my spouse's love language is Quality Time (1) and Acts of Service (2). He likes it when I spend time with him or do things for him. My son has the same love language as me whereas my daughter speaks the same love language as her dad.

My husband's and daughter's love languages which are different from mine is obvious to me but it is not that easy for me to speak to them in their language. I think I have to practise and practise and practise and make a concious mental note to speak in their language because it is not my primary language so it is more alien to me. Whereas for my son, it is very easy. All I have to do, is give him a big big hug and tell him how much I love him and he will glow and return the same to me because we speak the same language.

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Multiple Roles

I have been playing the role of mother and wife in recent years. They became my primary role.

However, now that father is in hospital, I find that I have to juggle my role with more care now. My father needs me now, more than ever and so do my sisters who need my moral support as I need theirs. So now, my role as a daughter and sister has been pushed to the forefront now too. So I have to do a juggling act. Fortunately, since I am a SAHM, I don't have to carry out the role of an employee as well.

It is not easy to do a juggling act. One must be able to switch between roles easily. One must find the time and energy to give of oneself fully when carrying out each role. Each role is as important as the other. You must think of the others even when carrying out the role of one. You cannot carry out just one role and shut all the others out. Each one cries out for your immediate and full attention and love.

Though one may have the capacity to love many, one has only that many hours in a day and other limitations. It is not easy being a woman, especially during times when everyone needs you just as much.

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The Resentment Trap

The other day I was reading a letter written by "Distressed Wife" where she wrote about her desperate pain as a SAHM. I can feel and understand her pain. She sounds like she is at the end of her tether now, thinking of ".........divorce and leaving the kids with him." I think she wants to give a loud wake-up call to her man. What she really wants to say is "WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES AND DO WHAT I DO FOR A CHANGE!" No mother wants to leave her children. The fact that she can even think about it shows her frustration.

I have no good advise for her but I can truly understand her pain and desperation. She has been getting all sorts of advice from "train your kids to do the housework", to "spend couple time with your husband" etc but it is all too easy to say than do.

I think that as a SAHM or housewife, we need to shift our focus (and I am not talking about her, I am referring to myself) to ourselves instead of our spouse. We should think about how we can improve things for ourselves and how we can better take care of ourselves so we can take care of the household and the family instead of focussing on how much he is not doing.

Many times, I do feel the pang of resentment, when I feel that my husband is making an unreasonable request about the way I handle things. Sometimes the request may not even be unreasonable but it is tough to handle and carry out for example.

I too want to shout out, "WHY DON"T YOU DO IT!" I feel resentful, when I rush about handling the kids while he has a warm cuppa and lies in bed watching tv because he needs to go to work the next day. I feel resentful when he asks me to train the kids to go to the toilet in the morning or make sure they get enough sleep and go to bed early and tells me "JUST DO IT. DON'T GIVE EXCUSES." I feel resentful when I am rushing to help one kid with his/her school work and the other with his/her music practise and he tells me "You are being biased. spending too much time on this kid and less time on the other." Hey! I do know what I am doing and I know that I am being fair and I rush around to help both as best I can without favour.

It is all very well when everything is going smoothly. Work, money coming in, everyone healthy, you have the time for holidays, gifts, each other.

However, under stressful conditions, like when your doctor tells you that you have a hormonal imbalance and your kid starts having a seizure and is diagnosed with epilepsy and starts taking medicine, the same medicine that you are taking. And the whole family is sick with coughs and colds for two months and the kids have ear infections and nasal problems etc etc. And you never seem to have time for anything. And you never seem to celebrate your wedding anniversaries or birthdays because there is always something more important or pressing that you have to think about like how your kid will react to anticonvulsant medicines or whether you can still keep your job as the single breadwinner because you have imsomnia and it is affecting you.

And you wanted to buy the kid a birthday cake to bring to school because it so happens they are having a party in school for Teacher's Day but the spouse tells you "No, I have other more important things to worry about." The problem is .... there is always something more important to worry about!!!

Under such conditions, then you have to rely on yourself to not fall into the resentment trap. You have to remember all the goodness in your spouse that you have stopped seeing because you are under stress. You have to remember how to remain a good spouse yourself  because once you give up and stop doing that than your relationship will go down the drain as swift as water.

The girl was hopeful to have the birthday cake because she said when she asked teacher whether she could bring a cake for her birthday, teacher said yes and everyone looked at her and now she is no longer afraid to sing in front of the class because now everyone knows her. A cake with everyone singing to her would surely make her happy but then... no... you have to let it go or have the biggest argument with your spouse over a silly cake. So you tell yourself, nevermind, she is only 8, she won't even remember if she had a cake in school when she grows up.

Yes, you have to learn to let go of things like that. You have to learn to make yourself happy. You have to learn to make your spouse happy. You have to learn to make your children happy. You have to learn to let go of building resentment. You have to learn to take care of yourself so that you can take care of those around you. Sometimes the overated and much suggested, go out shopping with girlfriends, or have date nights with your spouse or take a holiday, have a break, go for a spa whatever just isn't possible. Sure anyone would love it if they could do those things to rejuvenate but it is not always practical or possible. In that case, you have to do a mental shift. Talk to yourself and turn your resentment around. Be happy with yourself in your mind. Do things for yourself at home in your own solitude like crap in your blog for example. :P

Ok enough said. I am writing this silly, long crappy post because I am having a hormonal imbalance. I think I should go and do some exercises now to release some endorphins. And hopefully, I will be myself again soon.

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What have you done for yourself lately?

Mothers, what have you done for yourself lately?

What do you like to do?

• I like to read a book or magazine undisturbed
• I like to blog and write
• I like to play the piano
• I like to listen to the music without any other background noise

And today, I am going to get my hair washed and done up. I admit that I haven't done so in almost a year! Oh my goodness! That is terrible. But then getting my hair done is not one of my favourite things to do. It takes too long. I'd rather be browsing around at a bookshop than sitting in a hair salon.

Anyway, the point of this post is, I think it is important for us mothers to take care of ourselves. If we take care of ourselves well, then we will feel happy and well emotionally and physically. We will then be better mothers and wives.

Matyr mothers don't make better mothers. You don't become better mothers by sacrificing your all for your children and family. Save a little love and time for yourself. By being matyr mothers, after a while you will suffer burnout. You will feel restless and feel that something is missing. You may even start to feel resentful towards your spouse or your children. You may feel trapped.

However, remember that the key towards opening that trap door lies in your hands. So do something for yourself today whether its baking, swimming, running, shopping or whatever it is that you like. Find the time for it. No time is no excuse not to do something for yourself. It can even take as little time as an undisturbed shower using some aromatic scenting soaps that you like. That too is considered doing something for yourself.

Today, I am going to the hair salon to do my hair. What about you?

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What have you done for yourself lately?

Mothers, what have you done for yourself lately?

Mothers have a very important role in the family. They can't break down! Not even when they are sick. They still need to go on. Nurturing, Teaching, Loving and doing all those other ordinary everyday stuff like feeding, bathing, etc or those not so everyday stuff like cleaning up poo and vomit etc.

No, mothers cannot afford to fall sick.

However, in order to look after others, you must look after yourself first. You must take care of your health, your physical as well as mental well being. You just have to. You have to take care of yourself so that you don't feel the pressures of just being a mother.

What have you done for yourself lately? I'm afraid I haven't done anything much for myself lately. I haven't bought anything for myself, spent time just for myself doing things I like etc. When this happens, I sometimes reach "breaking point" and want to yell out to everyone ie the spouse and the kids "Everyone! Give me a break!"

So, before I do that, I better give myself a break first. :) Lets see... what shall I do.... Hmmm..... hmm..... I'm so used to doing things for others that I've forgotten how to give myself a little treat every now and then. It feels so strange to be doing things for myself. Boy oh boy. I really do need a break. lol.

Pssstt... these days with the kids in school, I have got my mornings back to blog and play the piano and just enjoy my own company without interruption or distraction. I guess thats also part of doing things for myself yah.

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Do women make better caregivers?

I attended a health talk on nutrition for alzeihmer's patients during the weekend together with my sisters. 80% of those who attended the talk were women.

Even in my own family, me and my sisters are the main caregivers for our dad who has dementia. The brothers do their part by taking dad out once in a while but its not the same. We have come to the conclusion that women are better caregivers.

Women care for their children, their spouses and their parents better than men. Of course there are exeptions to this, exceptional men who look after their parents, spouses and children really well. I saw a man at a hospital gently leading his mum to the ladies washroom once. He then asked another lady to help out when they reached the toilet because he couldn't go in the ladies. I was touched by the scene.

There are exceptions but I think its fair to say that most men leave the taking dad or mum to the doctor part to the wife or sister. In fact, most men, would even leave the taking care of food and health part to their wives. They do not take responsibilities for their own health.

As a result, when you compare older men and women, older women are more likely to be able to look after themselves. We compared our parents and parents in laws and found that the single older women fared better. They cooked and looked after themselves single handedly when they are older whereas the single older men are more lost. They tend to rely on the children to look after them more.

What do you think? Do women make better caregivers? Is it that way in your family?

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When mommy goes out and leaves the kids with daddy

Why is it that when daddy goes out and leaves the kids with mommy, he just strolls out the door, just like that?

But when mommy goes out and leaves the kids with daddy, she has to....... scuttle around and make sure that....

• the kids are fed/bathed/napped
• the food/milk is prepared beforehand
• daddy knows where to find the food/milk/kids clothes
• daddy knows what time to feed the kids/get the kids to nap
• etc etc etc (fill in the list yourself)

And when daddy comes home, he just strolls in through the door, just like that and the kids are fed/bathed/napped.

But when mommy comes home, she is faced with a mini chaos...

• If lucky enough to find kids napping, there will be milk bottles/dishes in the sink to clean up
• If lucky enough to find the kids bathed, there will be clothes strewn all over the bed/floor/chairs
• If lucky enough to find that the kids have eaten, they may be running around sweating/sleepy but still having fun refusing to sleep

Hmmm......... is it like that in your home too?

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This year I have only one resolution

This year I have only one resolution. My resolution is to work harder on my relationship with my spouse. Last year I have experienced the following more and more often.

• I hear him say "You are not supportive of me/I wish you were more supportive of me" more and more often
• I hear him shouting back at me more often whereas he used to be more cool and collected during our arguments before. He must be reaching breaking point! Oops!

I resolve to do more and more of those things that will make him feel loved and less and less of those things that will make us grow further and further apart.

I can sense that my actions and words are driving him further and further away from me and so I resolve to control myself better emotionally and not act rashly or say damaging words during an argument.

I am the kind who MUST end an argument RIGHT NOW! I do not know how to walk away from an argument and come back to the issue after things have cooled. And so part of my resolution is to learn how to do that.

That is my single resolution this year. To strive for more love, peace and harmony with my spouse for with more harmony than we can conquer more things together instead of fight with each other to get things done.

There is this quote in my December 2007 calander. It says.....

Coming together is a BEGGINNING

Keeping together is PROGRESS

Working together is SUCCESS

Perhaps this quote is meant more for organisations in team building but it can also be useful for the husband and wife team. I hope to achieve SUCCESS in my relationship with my spouse this year and thereafter.

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Quotes for Wives

Someone sent me an email full of marriage quotes but this one stood out for me.

"A successful marriage depends on two things, finding the right person and being the right person."

Thats true isn't it. This is definitely a big challenge to me. It is not easy to "be" the right person. You have to work really really hard at being the right person. I don't think I work hard enough at it. If I did my husband wouldn't still always be complaining about how unsupportive I am of him. :P Looks like I have to work much harder at this in 2008.

Why do I include a quote for wives in a mother's blog? Because I think that "To be a good mother, you need to start by being a good wife." Its interlinked, these two. Being a good wife and mother. Its easier to be a good mother when you're a happy wife. And when you work really hard at being a good wife, you will find that you have a good husband in return.

This will be my last post for this blog for this year. So I would like to leave visitors with this message to ponder on as we move on to the new year.

Happy New Year everyone. May we all have another happy year as a mother and a wife. Cheers!

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