My daughter wants me to do everything for her. Mind you, she is not a toddler just turned 2 or 3. Neither is she a preschooler who may be clingy and suffering from separation anxiety or anything like that. She is 10! Yes, the ripe old age of 10.
I read in The Five Love Languages Of Children co-written by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell that it merely means that her love language is "Acts of Service" and "Quality Time" but it is extremely exhausting.
One classic example is her daily request for me to help her pack her school bag. She will not do it on her own. Everyday, it's "Mom, will you help me pack my back? Mom? Please, mom? Please? Please? Mom?"
Her younger brother whose love language is overwhelmingly "Physical Touch" has no problems with doing things on his own. Even with her begging me, he'll be off packing his bag and done in a jiffy.
Sometimes the girl goes to the extend of writing out pieces of paper telling me where to put what books in which part of her bag. "This one is for, morning, Mom", "This is for Afternoon", "This one goes to the pass-up place". I tell her that by the time she has finished writing out those pieces of paper she would have finished putting those books into her school bag on her own but it is no use. The next day, we're back to "Mom, can you help me pack by bag, mom, please mom, please?"
It even extends to "Can you help me bathe, mom please?" or "Can you feed me, please?" or "Can you lie beside me?" or "Can you sit and watch me do my work?"
I wonder why she seeks so much attention from me? How should I resolve this? Ignore her? Give her the attention she seeks? Teach her to be more independant? Talk to her? Explain to her? Act out how ridiculous she sounds? Try to spend more time with her? Or is it less time so she will be less reliant? Or am I doing it wrong? Since her love language is supposed to be Acts of Service and Quality Time, should I be "speaking" those love languages by doing things for and with her? Should I scold her? Shout at her? Shout at me? Pull my hair out? Scream? I've done all and I'm really quite lost on how to deal with this.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
My Daughter Wants Me To Do Everything For Her
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More info needed. How long has she been like this? Household changes made or foreseen? (Staff holiday?) Other changes, eg at school? Possible bullying? She could just have overheard a chance remark and be making too much of it "you'll have to learn to do that yourself - I won't always be around to do it for you".
ReplyDeleteMore info? Let me put on my thinking cap first. :) She has always been like this. No household changes, no changes at school, no bullying though she is afraid of her fierce class teacher who has been teaching her for two years. Sometimes I think she wants me to double check her bag so that she does not get it wrong and be reprimanded in school. Chance remark? No, but she did see me have a seizure right in front of her before when she was 5. A seizure is a frightening thing to watch, worse still when its your mom having it! Unfortunately, I also had to watch her have her own seizure at aged 7. We're both diagnosed with epilepsy, both on long term medication for it. Though we try not to, sometimes it may raise some protective feelings towards her in certain situations. Another thing, perhaps she is envious of her little easy going brother who has an easy relationship with mom. Once she asked "Mom, why do you laugh at his jokes but not mine?" *Big warning red light signs going off*. So as you can see, many issues but that only adds to my headache. :P
DeleteI am sure you have tried talking to her many times about this? What happens if you don't do it for her? Hopefully this is just a phase and she wants her mommy's attention :)
ReplyDeleteMommy to chumsy, yes, I have tried talking to her many times. Just today, I asked her again why she wants me to help her pack her bag. She said "You know there are so many books to sort out, now I have a second bag and sometimes halfway through, I have to use tape to patch my books, it takes so much time..." Passing phase? She has wanted mommy's attention for as long as this mommy can remember!
DeleteLots to think about! And several warning lights - the remark re the son and especially the medical conditions. I'd try to tackle the simpler behaviours first - eating - "no, this is the way we do it in our family" - quietly insistent. The schoolbag - make a collaborative game out of it - break it down into small tasks where you direct her "get me the geography book please" Perhaps do this the night before so you're not rushed in the morning - perhaps a pre-bed ritual.
ReplyDeleteThank you Paul, actually I have 'weaned' her off the feeding part around age 7-8. (Seems ridiculous to talk about weaning at this age) but I mentioned it as part of an example of just how much she loves me doing things for her. As for the schoolbag, there is never time in the mornings, we get up at 5.45am to get ready for school here, so it's always an evening thing. I help her when she is very rushed and whenever I think she needs to get to bed. When she is freer, I tell her to do it on her own. She actually has her own way of packing her bag and she actually hates it if I do it for her on days when she is rushed or sick. She just wants me to do it WITH her, not FOR her.
DeleteThanks for reminding me to break it down into small tasks. With this mindset, I will be able to tackle this without feeling so overwhelmed and like I've failed so miserably.