What are one of the worst things you can say to your spouse?
1. My girlfriend used to do this and that blah blah blah
What do you suppose the response to this will be?
Response: Well, why don't you go back to your ex then/ So, why did you choose me then?
Have you ever been told that? I have. Years ago but I will NEVER forget it.
2. My mother used to to this and that blah blah blah. I wish you were more like my mother blah blah blah
What do you suppose the response will be?
Response: I am not your mother!
Will it help you become more like the mother or the person being compared to?
NO.
So, why do you suppose people say things like that?
FRUSTRATION
Yes, I think that is why.
Yesterday, I was told this (as I have been told many times before). You see, I had forgotten to stock up on fever and cough medicine. Now we are often worried that my girl will have a seizure whenever she has fever because her seizure threshold is low. Because her seizure threshold is low, she must get ample sleep too. However, being the absent minded and rather disorganized person that I am, I forgot to stock up on fever medicine. As a result the girl was coughing all night and did not get a good sleep because of her fever and cough. That resulted in her having disorientation and an incident (not a seizure, I hope but nevertheless a worrying incident) when she napped in the afternoon.
Now, being the most organized person that he is, my spouse was frustrated to be faced with this in addition to all the stress he is facing at work. So he said this...
"You really should do a checklist so that you never forget such things. That is what a mother should do. That is a mother's job. A mother is supposed to take care of her family's food. My mother used to wash and clean our vegetables. Things like that really make us feel mothered."
He said a few other things but "You should do this and that is what a mother should be and that is a mother's job" was repeated.
To him, he may just be voicing out his frustration but to me, he is implying that I am a bad mother. Now, if I told him that, he would simply just say that I am being sensitive and I should not take it personally blah blah blah, then I would say something and he would say something and in no time we would be shouting at each other and the whole evening would become worse in addition to having a sick girl to handle.
So my hands balled up into little fists, I took a deep breath, muttered "OK" and left him mid sentence.
Perhaps I have finally grown up enough to know that sometimes it is better to swallow your pride in the name of peace. What is the lesson that I can learn from this?
The lesson is .... being compared with someone else hurts. Being compared with someone else will not serve any purpose. Being compared with someone else will not change things. It will only result in feelings of hurt and anger.
Therefore, from now on, I shall stop comparing my children with one another. I shall stop saying this in frustration. "Why can't you be more like your brother?" or "You really should be more like your sister."
Right, I have turned something negative into something positive and learned something from this.
As for my spouse, I have noted his frustration and I will try to improve myself in the areas that he has mentioned.
As for me? Well, I know I may not be the most organized person or I may not wash my vegetables and I know I am quite impatient most of the time. I know I am not the perfect mother but I know I spend a lot of time with the children playing with them, making crafts with them, telling them stories, reading to them, teaching them, helping them with homework and always making sure they have enough sleep and play even as they work. No, I am not your mother but I am not a bad mother. So there! Happy Mother's Day to me.
"Even a cactus with thorns can be beautiful. It depends on what you choose to see. The thorns or the flowers." - yet another quote by Mumsgather.MGMy, my so many quotes from me today. Funny what inspires me to write, sometimes.
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yes it hurts a lot to hear remarks like this. words spoken cannot be taken back. i have experienced this too. although i forgive but i cannot forget what was being said :( i guess your spouse is worried and stress out hence the outburst. does he read your blog? if he does, i hope he understands what you are going through and won't repeat it :)
ReplyDeleteWell, he has this outburst quite often. I suppose he is just trying to tell me something. He probably will stop repeating it when I start washing the veges. lol. I can't tell him that these words hurt. He does not understand it. He feels that I should not be so sensitive to be affected by the words he uses or the way or manner he says certain things. He doesn't read my blogs. I used to be unhappy about that but now I think it is better this way. It gives me the privacy to be myself without having to worry about upsetting the spouse over anything I have written. ;)
Delete*hugs hugs* since u know ur weakness, work on it.
ReplyDeleteand its good that u rant it out too..at least off ur chest.