My Boy, My Girl and My Man

My boy is 6. He is an all smiles, little cuddly bear. Oh how he loves to hug and be hugged. He likes to stroke my face and hair lovingly too. His vocabulary is growing each day and now likes to add words like "lovely" and "cozy" into his sentences. He tells me he likes to hug me because it is cozy and he called me "my lovely" while requesting that I call him "my child". lol.

He had been pinching the pimple on my chin for the longest time turning it into a perpetual pimple. It was hard to "wean" him from doing so but finally he stopped. The other day he looked at my face and said "Mummy, your pinch is gone now!" :)

He is a very smiley boy but he can really pout too, crying and hiding under chairs and tables when he is feeling disappointed.

We are currently using a reward system for good behaviour and he loves it. He is so good. He would wake up on his own, brush his teeth, change his clothes, have breakfast, go to the toilet all on his own. He would do his homework, practise his music, eat  his greens, go to bed etc all on his own.... all for the sake of collecting stars! :)

My girl is 8. She is smart, intelligent, inquisitive and very very honest. She is very diligent in everything that she does. For example, she has a good set of teeth because she takes care of them so well. She is the straight type who does not feel comfortable about lying or hiding the truth.

She is very manja as well. Whenever she has any small injury or hurt, she would ask "Mummy, please sayang for me". A small pat or blow is enough to make it all better. :)

She does not like dolls or toys very much and prefers reading, drawing and crafting.  She loves to skip, sing and dance and play word games or finger plays. She also loves attention and longs to be heard.

My man is a wonderful father and husband. He is a family man. To him, family is always first. He knows that by doing so, he may not go that very far at work but to him his priorities are very clear. Sometimes to go very far at work you have to work really hard, log in long hours, do a lot of travelling etc. Occassionally that creates a work family imbalance even though you are in fact working for the sake of your family. The catch is you don't get to spend very much time with the family that you are working very hard for. If you don't spend time with  your children when they are young, that time is gone forevery and you have missed out on the wonderful chance to bond with them.

My man makes sure he has time for us. He takes time off during the kid's birthdays etc. He spends time teaching them whenever he can. He has always been a hands on father, right from that first diaper change. He is a very involved dad. My kids are very lucky to have him as a father.

My man loves it when we do things together. I have climbed up roofs, repaired ceilings, painted walls, cut electrical wires etc all with him. We do a lot of DIY ourselves from plumbing to fixing airconds etc and he loves it if I am there to do it with him. Otherwise, he would pout like my boy. Haha.

He is very simple and eats anything I cook and rarely complains. He is a very positive person and it is he who taught me how to be happy with the little things in life and to have a more positive outlook.

He is a very organised and disciplined person. I think I drive him a bit crazy because I am the opposite of that. :)

Ahh... after yesterday's post and now this. Can you tell that the endorphins have kicked in? Or do  you think it is because my period is late again and my hormones are out of sync? Actually it is very simple. It is important to sometimes think about the good things and qualities of the ones you love and write them down in order to get your perspectives right again. If you look for the positives, you will feel positive and great. If you can only see negatives, there will always be something to be unhappy about. Do this simple exercise when you are unhappy. List down all the happy things and happy thoughts and you will not feel so blue.

I was down for a while. I was worried about my girl. I could not sleep at night from watching her. A few days ago she had some rashes and I was a worried. The doc had said that the medication she prescribed could cause some life threatening rash after about a month of consumming. That was about the time she had the rash and I was worried. I had a bad cough. The doc thought it was pneumonia. I am still having the cough. It is the second month now. I missed a period. The doc said it was a hormonal imbalance. It is late again now. I had arguments with the man because we were both under stress. And nothing seemed right. I lost interest in doing anything. Not even blogging preferring to do mindless stuff instead. Each day was a rush.

I hope that we can get back to some normalcy now.

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The Resentment Trap

The other day I was reading a letter written by "Distressed Wife" where she wrote about her desperate pain as a SAHM. I can feel and understand her pain. She sounds like she is at the end of her tether now, thinking of ".........divorce and leaving the kids with him." I think she wants to give a loud wake-up call to her man. What she really wants to say is "WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES AND DO WHAT I DO FOR A CHANGE!" No mother wants to leave her children. The fact that she can even think about it shows her frustration.

I have no good advise for her but I can truly understand her pain and desperation. She has been getting all sorts of advice from "train your kids to do the housework", to "spend couple time with your husband" etc but it is all too easy to say than do.

I think that as a SAHM or housewife, we need to shift our focus (and I am not talking about her, I am referring to myself) to ourselves instead of our spouse. We should think about how we can improve things for ourselves and how we can better take care of ourselves so we can take care of the household and the family instead of focussing on how much he is not doing.

Many times, I do feel the pang of resentment, when I feel that my husband is making an unreasonable request about the way I handle things. Sometimes the request may not even be unreasonable but it is tough to handle and carry out for example.

I too want to shout out, "WHY DON"T YOU DO IT!" I feel resentful, when I rush about handling the kids while he has a warm cuppa and lies in bed watching tv because he needs to go to work the next day. I feel resentful when he asks me to train the kids to go to the toilet in the morning or make sure they get enough sleep and go to bed early and tells me "JUST DO IT. DON'T GIVE EXCUSES." I feel resentful when I am rushing to help one kid with his/her school work and the other with his/her music practise and he tells me "You are being biased. spending too much time on this kid and less time on the other." Hey! I do know what I am doing and I know that I am being fair and I rush around to help both as best I can without favour.

It is all very well when everything is going smoothly. Work, money coming in, everyone healthy, you have the time for holidays, gifts, each other.

However, under stressful conditions, like when your doctor tells you that you have a hormonal imbalance and your kid starts having a seizure and is diagnosed with epilepsy and starts taking medicine, the same medicine that you are taking. And the whole family is sick with coughs and colds for two months and the kids have ear infections and nasal problems etc etc. And you never seem to have time for anything. And you never seem to celebrate your wedding anniversaries or birthdays because there is always something more important or pressing that you have to think about like how your kid will react to anticonvulsant medicines or whether you can still keep your job as the single breadwinner because you have imsomnia and it is affecting you.

And you wanted to buy the kid a birthday cake to bring to school because it so happens they are having a party in school for Teacher's Day but the spouse tells you "No, I have other more important things to worry about." The problem is .... there is always something more important to worry about!!!

Under such conditions, then you have to rely on yourself to not fall into the resentment trap. You have to remember all the goodness in your spouse that you have stopped seeing because you are under stress. You have to remember how to remain a good spouse yourself  because once you give up and stop doing that than your relationship will go down the drain as swift as water.

The girl was hopeful to have the birthday cake because she said when she asked teacher whether she could bring a cake for her birthday, teacher said yes and everyone looked at her and now she is no longer afraid to sing in front of the class because now everyone knows her. A cake with everyone singing to her would surely make her happy but then... no... you have to let it go or have the biggest argument with your spouse over a silly cake. So you tell yourself, nevermind, she is only 8, she won't even remember if she had a cake in school when she grows up.

Yes, you have to learn to let go of things like that. You have to learn to make yourself happy. You have to learn to make your spouse happy. You have to learn to make your children happy. You have to learn to let go of building resentment. You have to learn to take care of yourself so that you can take care of those around you. Sometimes the overated and much suggested, go out shopping with girlfriends, or have date nights with your spouse or take a holiday, have a break, go for a spa whatever just isn't possible. Sure anyone would love it if they could do those things to rejuvenate but it is not always practical or possible. In that case, you have to do a mental shift. Talk to yourself and turn your resentment around. Be happy with yourself in your mind. Do things for yourself at home in your own solitude like crap in your blog for example. :P

Ok enough said. I am writing this silly, long crappy post because I am having a hormonal imbalance. I think I should go and do some exercises now to release some endorphins. And hopefully, I will be myself again soon.

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Mummy, the Nurse

I am so tired of dispensing medicine. Last week, the girl was away from school for 4 days. This week it is the boy's turn, 4 days and he will miss a school party too. The boy had a cough about 2 months ago and passed it around the house. I am still reeling from the cough. And just when you thought all was well, he catches another virus and started sneezing and coughing again.

He also has a fungal infection inside both ears and spreading to the outside of his ears and face and nose as well. The sister had a fungal infection on her finger which hasn't healed. Each night she also needs a spray for her nose to help her breath better, not to mention her daily medicine to be taken twice a day.

For the past 2 months I have been busy dispensing medicine. Each night is a rush to go to bed early as I scurry around giving medicine orally, spraying, applying, squirting, you name it.

Finally, last night in my hurry, I accidentally poured 4 drops of nose drops into the boys ears. The nose drops were meant to be poured into the nose, 1 drop once a day only for not more than 5 days and mummy, the nurse poured 4 drops of those into his ears! Sigh. I'm really tired.

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Hoping to move on

My girl has been on her medication for two weeks now on a step up basis. She starts term tests today. She has managed to catch up with all the homework and school work she missed. I have spoken to her class teacher who was very kind and understanding. I hope that things will stabilize from here. I hope that she won't get any undesirable side effects from the medication. I also hope that the medication will manage to prevent any seizures.

Sister has been discharged from hospital and is back to normal.

I still have a bad cough but I think it is a bit better now. My blood test, discharge culture test, tumour marker test, hormone test etc etc tests results are out. Aunt Flo came at last after taking the hormone pills. The hormone tests reveal that I have a hormonal imbalance whatever that means. She checked my cysts after my period hoping to see that they are gone but they are larger than ever. 4cm by 3cm for the bigger one on the right ovary she says. This one gives me some pain when I cough if I don't hold in my stomach in a certain manner. However she says there is no need to worry about it for the time being. We have to keep on monitoring the size. Above 5cm then we may need to worry and do something but not for now. Tumour marker test is ok and discharge culture shows there is no infection.

Other tests results are fine. I am a bit low on iron and on the borderline for cholestrol levels. Just diet is my gynae's advice. She says my hepatitis B immunity is good but the lab forgot to do a hepatitis A test. Forgot! How careless. They will redo but still... how careless!

So ok, no nasty surprises from the gynae ... yet, ..... as I am still waiting for results of some tests which the lab accidentally missed out on.

Hopefully, that means, I can chug along back on the rail of life with no more derailment.

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Sad

Last Monday, my girl had a grand mal seizure in her sleep. It was the most painful thing to watch helplessly as she trashed about as if struck by a hidden electric energy and became limp afterwards. She was unconcious during the seizure but thankfully, she recovered from it well and quickly.

That dashed whatever little hope we had that her night time unexplained incidents were not minor seizures. I have no more tears, only resignation left. So, we just have to move on from here.... finding the right medications and trying to manage her life within these limitations.

The neuro could not decide whether my girl had temporal lobe epilepsy (tle) or benign rolandic epilepsy (bre). She said that medication or treatment given for tle could actually worsen bre if that was the case. In the end, we started treatment for tle. She is now on medication on a step up basis, ie slowly or gradually introducing the meds to her body system. My poor little girl.

Since she has to take medications twice a day, everyday, we explained to her about her condition, that she has epilepsy just like mummy. Naturally, she does not understand the implications of it all. She asked if it was painful when I fell down. 3 years ago, I had had a seizure right in front of the kids when they were playing. I try to treat it lightly so that she would not get frightened about it. We went to shop for a pill box for her so we won't forget to take the medications. We "argued" about what shape she preferred for the box, whether circular or straight. I let her select the colour she likes etc.

She is excited to take the pill for the first time. She had always taken medications in syrup form before this and was so proud that she managed to swallow her first pill easily. I gave her 3 stars for her effort. We are currently on some reward system for good behaviour. So yes, life goes on. There is no other way. Life has to go on. I watched with a heavy heart as she danced and pranced around the mall but take comfort in the fact that at least she is happy.

I can't sleep very well at night, worrying about every little sound. This is made worse by the fact that the hormone pills I had been taking gave me the worse backache when my menstruation finally came. I have yet to return for a follow up visit on my blood test and other test results. I hope the gynae would not have any nasty surprises for me. I have the worse night cough. The doctor said he suspects that I have pneumonia somewhere in the left lung region and he wants me to go back for a follow up to see if it has cleared after some antibiotics he prescribed which left me with a feeling of nausea all day and all night. Otherwise he would suggest and X-Ray. My sister was hospitalised for severe gastric but she is home now and that is a good thing.

My husband believes I am partly at fault for not managing my kids rest time well. Not enough rest and sleep lowers seizure tresholds for those more prone to having one. We worry about the effects and impact of the medication on my girl. There are so many worries. Even before this, hubby has been having health problems of his own. Even before his problems were resolved, I had problems with my health and then now my girl. So many doctor visits... We are both under stress but instead of coming together, we fall apart.

I want to cry but I can't. I know hubby will say "Now, you don't go and make matters worse by getting yourself so stressed up until you yourself get a seizure of your own."

The instructions for the medicine was to cut it by quarters and start on quarters for 5-7 days and step up slowly. We were confused. It is a controlled released tablet. Can it be cut safely and mantain its properties? When do we step up the medication? Earlier or later? The girl is still complaining of "dreaming" and "seeing green green". She says that when she is "dreaming" it is as if she is in a strange new place even though she is at home or at school. The doctor calls this jamais vu. As for the green lights, it is a visual sensory symptom or hallucination. When will the medication start to take effect? So many questions. Some answered by a simple phone call to the hospital, others, we just have to wait.

The girl has missed school for a week. She has mid year test for two weeks coming up in a weeks time. She is worried about all the missed lessons and homework. She is afraid her friends will laugh at her for being absent for so long. I am worried that all her worries will contribute to her stress level. I will talk to her teacher today.

Do you know there is this inflatable punch balloon toy with weights at the bottom? If you punch it, it gets right up again. That is what I feel like at the moment. I wonder when my air will run out.

So what good can possibly come out of all this? Well, at least my relationship with my girl is improving as I dig deeper into my reserves for the patience and time for my little attention seeker. She took a rough paper, folded it in two and wrote "Mummy's card" at the top and "Only for the time being card" at the bottom. Inside, she wrote "Happy Mother's Day" and drew a flower pot with 3 flowers in it. She wrote "Flowers for good, nice and happy mummy" and a heart shape at the bottom. On each side of the flower pot was a heart shape and a smiling mummy and daughter. She wrote "H/W" (which stands for homework) on one side and "Hold Hands" on the other. She said we are happy holding hands and doing homework together. I think she is happy with me. Gone is the sour pouting face she had been giving her always impatient mummy. If you want your child's attitude to change you have to first look at yourself and change yourself first.

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